Henry Rollins: Decoding Vladimir Putin

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See also: Henry Rollins: Chemical Weapons for Sale

I am still laughing about Putin's op-ed published in The New York Times on 9-11-13. Quite often, American behavior has been less than becoming, but one of the last people I will hear it from is this dipshit. I took some of the more glaring passages, put cloth over their faces and poured water on top -- to get the truth!

"We stood against each other during the cold war. But we were also allies once, and defeated the Nazis together."

And then you sent us home from Cuba, our pants dripping with urine. I'll be honest with ya. Blinking that hard hurt Khrushchev like a motherfucker! Oh, and there was that whole thing in Afghanistan where you gave the mujahedeen Stinger missiles that even a kid can use and they totally fucked us up! Ow! Not nearly as embarrassing as that time Ahmad Shah Massoud lured our tanks into the Panjshir Valley, closed off either end, killed our soldiers from the mountains and took all our gear. We had to run out of Bagram so fast, we left all of our MiG fighters behind. So, we beat Hitler together. You with your innovation, bravery and superior air command and we with all of our soldiers' bodies, which decisively caught so many German bullets that they finally ran out! Victory!

"From the outset, Russia has advocated peaceful dialogue enabling Syrians to develop a compromise plan for their own future. We are not protecting the Syrian government but international law."

Nothing like how we do things in Russia. Are you kidding? We're TCB! Remember that pesky journalist Anna Politkovskaya? The one who embedded in Chechnya and busted us on all the fucked-up shit we do to those animals? She talked some truth about me and in October of 2006, while riding in the elevator of her apartment building, she had a peaceful dialogue with four bullets. Oopski!

"Millions around the world increasingly see America not as a model of democracy but as relying solely on brute force, cobbling coalitions together under the slogan 'You're either with us or against us.' "

You crazy Americans give the world too many choices. For or against? That's two. Russia has one: "We're against you."

"Libya is divided into tribes and clans. In Iraq the civil war continues, with dozens killed each day. In the United States, many draw an analogy between Iraq and Syria, and ask why their government would want to repeat recent mistakes."

The fact that so many Americans dare to question their government is troubling ... to a dimwitted, brutal tyrant fuck like myself. Your president actually listens! Weak! Why, we repeat mistakes all the time! Century after century. That's why we have the largest piece of real estate in the world and nothing to show for it but a history of death and failure! No sellout! Only a sissy listens to the people. A real man leads them ... with his shirt off ... on horseback.

"No matter how targeted the strikes or how sophisticated the weapons, civilian casualties are inevitable, including the elderly and children, whom the strikes are meant to protect."

Trust me, I know all about this.

"We must stop using the language of force and return to the path of civilized diplomatic and political settlement."

And I will need a lot of time with this, because to me, it's a total waste of energy and resources, not to mention mega-gay. You see, I only understand force, torture, murder and the systematic smashing of the "national identity" to the point where everyone just cools the fuck out. Winning!

"If we can avoid force against Syria, this will improve the atmosphere in international affairs and strengthen mutual trust. It will be our shared success and open the door to cooperation on other critical issues."

Your chickenshit Congress won't have to vote on this, which would have made them look either weak or homicidal, and I won't have to run back home with your leader's shoe wedged in my ass.


"My working and personal relationship with President Obama is marked by growing trust. I appreciate this. I carefully studied his address to the nation on Tuesday. And I would rather disagree with a case he made on American exceptionalism, stating that the United States' policy is 'what makes America different. It's what makes us exceptional.' It is extremely dangerous to encourage people to see themselves as exceptional, whatever the motivation."

OK, OK, OK. I'm not saying that you're not exceptional. I am just saying how fucking mad I am about it. We put the first guy in space. You put the first guy on the moon. Very funny. Now you're on Mars. Like I would have wanted to go anyway! Oooh, the Internet, like that's exceptional. Well, yes, it is but you should see our communication system! It took a lot of string, wax and Dixie cups, but we did it! Believe me (I know that's hard) but we have had our exceptional moments. Why, I would put our gulags up against any other oppressive regime's relocation and human disposal facilities!

"There are big countries and small countries, rich and poor, those with long democratic traditions and those still finding their way to democracy. Their policies differ, too. We are all different, but when we ask for the Lord's blessings, we must not forget that God created us equal."

Cheeky, huh? Did I just open up Michele Bachmann's can of "chootz-pa" or what?! No doubt, I started a real Pussy Riot with that one! I stand with your Pat Robertson and Westboro Baptist Church on this. We're taking care of homosexuals. Once they're gone, everyone will be equal. Now, if that sounds completely batshit crazy to you, so what? Pat Buchanan, Rush Limbaugh and Ann Coulter have my back on this.

And for people in the Carolinas, Arkansas and Fox News viewers everywhere, the Times put this at the bottom of the op-ed: Vladimir V. Putin is the president of Russia.

You crazy Americans give the world too many choices. For or against? That's two. Russia has one: "We're against you."

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