Guest Blogger Heino: "Paul McCartney ist a little Englisch bitch!"

[Tomorrow night (Tuesday, March 30), two legendary Europeans will be presenting competing spectacles in Los Angeles. On the one hand, the amazing German schlager-entertainer Heino will be performing at the El Cid with some Lucha Vavoom dancers, beer, comedy-cabaret and lots of Teutonic charm. On the other hand, a provincial Englishman named Paul McCartney who used to be in the Beatles plays the Hollywood Bowl. Needless to say, we made the obvious decision here and managed to get an exclusive Guest Blogpost from one of them. Without further ado, Herren und Frauen, here's Heino.]

Paul McCartney ist a little Englisch bitch!

By Heino! (Exclusive to the LA Weekly)

Paul McCartney ist an Englisch bitch. I am not just saying this because I am German und in ze past we have not seen eye to eye mit der Englisch - but know a good Englisch bitch when I see one: "Hallo Neville Chamberlain! ...I am looking your way!"

Und I am not just saying this because he is performing in town on Tuesday - the same night as der Heino Happy Höur. I am saying this because I know. I am Heino!

Exhibit A: Say Say Say ist gay gay gay.

Back in ze 80's McCartney was supposed to do a series of duets mit Heino but Sir Paul, or just "Pall" as I like to call him, opted instead to perform these songs mit Michael Jackson. I had even lined up mein own schwarze (as in Schwarzenegger) to play the strong man/truck driver in der video...

But Pall made his great escape at ze last second und Heino had to settle for a duet mit Nina Hagen...

Exhibit B: McCartney ist a cold, insensitive, megalomaniac.

Heino knows, Heino ist one too! Just watch Pall's "drag" reaction to ze news of John Lennon's death...

Come on, Pall! You rode John's coat tails for years, you could have at least spit out ze gum und put on a serious face! Being im der schtudio ist a very serious business, Heino knows...

Exhibit C: Imitation is the highest/lowest form of compliment.

Often imitated, never duplicated, ist Heino. This was proven a long time ago when Die Toten Hosen und Norbert Hahnel tried to steal Heino's identity. But der "real" Heino ist immortal und, like in ze Highlander, there can be only one...

However, when a couple of weirdos from der jersey shore decide to dress up in drag und shoot their own video for "Der Girl Ist Mein" you know Pall McCartney is poisoning minds...

This is creepy, even by german standards, und it is high time that Pall McCartney be held accountable for his crimes against humanity! If he has any conscious or backbone, he will show up at El Cid on Tuesday night und face der muzik ...of Heino!


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