God Help Us: It's the #SelfieOlympics
Let the games begin.
Has selfie culture officially gone batshit? Oxford Dictionaries named "selfie" the word of the year in 2013 (it narrowly beat out "twerk" and "binge-watch") and anyone who goes to concerts sees audience members spending most of the show shooting themselves.
Now a marketing firm called 3d Public Relations is asking festival goers to carry a tiny, remote control iPhone/iPad device that allows "selfie lovers" to take high quality photos without holding up their phones. This is perfect, they've assured us in a press release, for something called the "#SelfieOlympics."
Turns out the #SelfieOlympics is a real thing on Twitter and other sites right now! The idea is to take the most absurd selfies possible, resulting in high school kids staging elaborate scenes in front of their bathroom mirrors.
Not bad. But what if the Selfie Olympics took place IRL? What would that look like?
At a funeral, because that's where selfies happen most.
The Opening Ceremony
Bieber, Beyonce and Rihanna - three of the world's most famous selfie shooters - perform a collaborative rendition of Michael Jackson's "Man in the Mirror," all while taking pictures of themselves.
These photos are projected into a giant selfie mosaic above the stage that forms a giant Facebook thumbs up. Audience members share real time selfies of themselves reacting to this selfie performance.
After funerals, music festivals are responsible for more selfies per capita than anywhere else. Thus, on hand will be representatives from the nation-states of Coachella, Hard, Ultra, Holy Ship, Lollapalooza, Electric Daisy Carnival, Bonnaroo, Glastonbury, and Burning Man. They'll pass among themselves a torch with a fire-resistant GoPro cam inside.
Contestants will be judged on their selfie abilities: getting your whole head in there, not getting too much of your arm in there, incorporating a just-slightly inappropriate amount of cleavage, and proper hash tagging.
Bonus points for:
*Using a reflective surface, particularly someone else's sunglasses, because that's trippy
*With seeming indifference, incorporating a celebrity into the background. Yes, David Guetta is clearly identifiable sitting near you in the VIP section, but you're around famous people so much that you don't even realize
Are you the Gaslamp Killer?
*Making people jealous. (People should be really mad. Your ex-boyfriend should regret dumping you)
Points deducted for:
*Bullshit hashtags like #likeforlike and #repost and #instalike
Burning Man participants' selfies will be obscured by playa dust. Holy Ship contestants will lose because they won't have wi-fi at sea. Coachella participants will take bronze because they know their ways around a smart phone, while Ultra contestants get the silver, taking this shit to another level by GIFselfieing themselves.
Rihanna will win it all, even though she's not even competing. Because, have you seen her Instagram?
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