Fuck You You Fucking Baldists

It has come to this
It has come to this

Back in July, I met Slash for the first time ever. Sure, it's daunting and all to meet the guy whose MTV video solos you imitated on your coffee table with a broom.

But then he was all, "I think we've met before."

Uh, no. We had not. I think I would have remembered.

Then it hits. He thinks I'm some other bald bearded dude he's met before, someone approximately my age. Our beloved Slash, master shredder of strings, legend of rock is a fucking baldist.

Remember this rattail?
Remember this rattail?

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Baldism -- ie discrimination based on hair quantity -- is a scourge on the entertainment industry. Baldists of all stripes are constantly forcing bald or balding men to feel ashamed, inspiring needless hat-wearing, facial hair neglect, or worse, self-harm in the form of hair transplantation.

How serious of a problem is baldism? Not only is being bald classified as a disease but, as hairless hero Larry David told the Huffington Post last year: "When's the last time you saw a bald president? There'll be a woman and a Jewish president and maybe even a Muslim president before a bald president. That's my prediction: There'll be a Muslim president before a bald president." The truth hurts.

While David has stood up for our types on Curb Your Enthusiasm and elsewhere, the music industry has few heroes. Its baldism doesn't stop with Slash, and even some of our heroes are self-hating baldists, Vichy-ist collaborators siding with bald-hating oppressors.

The worst offenders of self-hating baldists are, indeed, the shameful hair-trainsplanters. These guys are the scum of the bald world. Not only are they willingly besmirching beautiful bald heads with surgery, they're giving money to doctors trying to "cure" that which needs no curing. At the top of this list is Metallica's Kirk Hammett. Slayer's Kerry King -- a proud metal baldy -- ought to have a stern chat with him.

Next up are the hat-wearers. Worst of these is Fred goddamn Durst. Just behind him is Tom Morello -- whose consistent social activism never supports his own oppressed group of bald brethren. The Edge is another hat head, and no, it is not "even better than the real thing." Asshole.

Just below the Vichy-ists and coverers are the unnecessary goatee class who think that hair, no matter where it is, still has meaning. Look at poor Scott Ian. Can't he just take a cue from the legendary Rob Halford and kill that fucking raccoon attacking his chin? System of a Down's Shavo Odadjian does it one step worse by braiding his face-tail.

With all this talk of baldist collaborators and shame-spiraling facial hair. Bald musicians have plenty of heroes that are untouchable.

 

This is Will Oldham not giving a shit
This is Will Oldham not giving a shit

Will "Bonnie Prince Billy" Oldham is one such hero. Look at how little of a fuck that guy gives about his folicular situation. While he's occasionally bearded to sasquatch-levels of face fur, he's always done it classy on top -- as if surrounding his glabrous landing zone with celebratory foliage.

Other heroes on the list besides Oldham, King and Halford include the Pixies' Frank Black, Tool's Maynard James Keenan, Joe Satriani, Seal, Billy Corgan, Peter Gabriel, Michael Stipe, and yeah...even Phil Collins. Collins did the bald world a favor by just putting his goofy mug and partially denuded scalp front and center on his third solo album No Jacket Required. He might as well have called it Balls of Steel.

Think this is all just a bunch of bullshit? We don't blame you. Just shave your head, go hang out with some nice folks in nice parts of town and see how many people think they've met you before. Worse yet, see how many idiot bros give you this exchange:

Baldist: 'Sup.

You: Hello, sir.

Baldist: You're Tyler's cousin, right?

You: I am not related to any Tylers that I know of.

Baldist: Can you teach me how to fight?

You: Pardon?

Baldist: Look, I really want to get into MMA and I need some pointers.

You: (Speechless)

Yes, about 80 percent of famous MMA fighters are bald and, yes, this happens even when I'm horribly out of shape.

At the very least, please take a second to look beyond hair and help us fight the forces of baldism. (Do not, under any circumstances, pat our heads uninvited.) Because you never know when you might start to thin out on top.

We're looking at you, Slash. Why don't you show us what's under that hat, dude?

Follow @PaulTBradley and @LAWeeklyMusic on Twitter and like us at LAWeeklyMusic.

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