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Editorial: Coachella's New Police-Enforced Surveillance Will Force Thousands to Stash Drugs Up Their Rectums

Protip: Cops don't like fucking hippies, rich people, fun-havers. Act accordingly.
Protip: Cops don't like fucking hippies, rich people, fun-havers. Act accordingly.

[This is the text from Coachella's recent announcement about how local Indio police will be in charge of monitoring every car up to a mile outside of the festival perimeter. There are a number of reasons why this is a terrible, terrible idea (separation of public and private spheres, issues of enforcement and punishment, giving crowd control of a massive, substance-aided indie music party to COPS, etc, etc). In the interest of being more servicey to festivalgoers, we've replaced every instance of "wristband properly applied on your wrist" with "drugs safely stashed up your rectum." This is sound advice when dealing with rural law enforcement having been given, essentially, carte blanche to mess with your hard-partying ass. You're welcome.]

ENTRANCE TO FESTIVAL

• Everyone in your vehicle must have their drugs safely stashed up their rectums prior to arriving in Indio.

• You will not be allowed within one mile of the perimeter of the venue without your drugs safely stashed up your rectum.

• Police check points will vary from one quarter mile to one mile outside of the festival perimeter. Please have your drugs safely stashed up your rectum prior to your departure to the festival.

• You cannot pass through the police vehicle checkpoints without your drugs safely stashed up your rectum.

• You cannot board a hotel shuttle without your drugs safely stashed up your rectum and shuttle pass.

• You cannot walk or bike to the festival site without your drugs safely stashed up your rectum.

• Having your your drugs safely stashed up your rectum is required at all times on festival grounds, you will be subject to ejection with no refund if you take off or tamper with the drugs safely stashed up your rectum. If you have an issue with the your drugs safely stashed up your rectum please immediately report to security or customer service.

• All the drugs safely stashed up your rectum will be checked for proper application by staff.

Outsmart rural cops by filling your rectum with delicious drugs
Outsmart rural cops by filling your rectum with delicious drugs

• A person in possession of drugs up his or her rectum which been tampered with or altered in anyway is subject to ejection from the festival grounds without refund.

• Do not subject the drugs safely stashed up your rectum to the following: fire, cutting, excessive twisting, pulling, stretching or customization.

• To recap, prior to arriving at the venue, your drugs must be safely stashed up your rectum in order to pass through all police checkpoints surrounding the event by vehicle, bicycle or on foot.

• COMPLETE instructions about proper up-your-rectum drug stashing will be emailed to the original purchasers' email address and also be included with the shipped wristbands.


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