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Dave Stewart vs. Dave Stewart: Who's Better, the Former Eurythmic or the Former Pitcher?

Stewart Staredown.
Stewart Staredown.

[Editor's note: Deathmatch pairs two artists who have something in common, and determines who is better. It's a concept we sort-of ripped off from MTV, except that instead of claymation it's the printed word!]

Dave A. Stewart, best known as Annie Lennox's other half in '80s new wave act the Eurythmics, recently produced a new Joss Stone song in support of a stricter UN arms treaty. He has spent the last three decades composing tunes and producing others. When it comes to music, he's not exactly a lightweight.

Meanwhile, Dave "Smoke" Stewart is a three time World Series champion former pitcher known for his intimidating stare. While he's a former Dodger, he's best know for his dominating stint with the Oakland A's. When you stepped to the plate, your ass was basically his. He's now a baseball agent.

So, who's better, Dave Stewart or Dave Stewart? Below, we compare them in a number of important categories.

Arms

The Eurythmic, along with Joss Stone, has come out in support of a strict UN treaty controlling the global arms trade. On the other hand, Dave "Smoke" Stewart has an arm over which there is absolutely no control.

Point: The hurler

Facial Hair

The former A sported a Billy Dee Williams lip-tickler for most of his playing career. Eurythmic Stewart has had the face-pube equivalent of the "creepy uncle" for many years.

Point: The hurler

Staredowns

Perpetually hidden behind Bono-goggles, Eurythmic Stewart perhaps fails to realize that an effective intimidating gaze requires bare eyeballs. Dave "Smoke" Stewart, on the other hand, might as well have been granted an automatic first strike against batters he eye-fucked from the mound.

Point: The hurler

Hits

Dave A. Stewart had a bunch of hits with the Eurythmics, including a Grammy for the single "Missionary Man" in 1987. "Smoke" Stewart, meanwhile, pitched a no-hitter in 1990 against the Bluejays. He could be pretty damn stingy with the hits.

Point: The Eurythmic

 

Shepherding Young Talent

As a sports agent, former Athletic Stewart can claim clients like Dodger star Matt Kemp, whom Stewart procured an eight figure contract. Eurythmic Stewart's protege Joss Stone recently had a song in some James Bond-based video game or something.

Point: The hurler

Sexiness

Eurythmic Stewart puts out a line of sex toys -- including dildos he shilled as a guest on Howard Stern's show a few years back. Athletic Stewart tells a story about "one of his teammates" opening a hotel door with his penis (dubbed the Anaconda) during a post game party with groupies. Furthermore, ol' Smoke was arrested in 1985 in downtown L.A. for dalliances with a transvestite prostitute.

Point: The hurler

Legacy

With Annie Lennox, Eurythmic Stewart birthed many caterwauling synth ballads. Smoke, meanwhile has cemented a spot in the history books for his accomplishments, and his love for tranny hookers.

Point: The hurler

The winner: Dave "Smoke" Stewart, in a landslide.

Follow @PaulTBradley and @LAWeeklyMusic on Twitter and like us at LAWeeklyMusic.

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