The early '90s were the dark ages, at least for those of us who were sexually inexperienced. There were no Internets available; all we knew about getting freaky came from V.C. Andrews and Skinemax.
Color Me Badd only made things worse. The New Jack Swingers' lusty (yet sweet) anthem "I Wanna Sex You Up" left us more confused than when we were scissor-sexing our Barbie with Ken. Was it just us, or were these mock-turtleneck clad Badd boyz a poor substitute for Dr. Ruth? Let's take a closer look at the lyrics.
Come inside, take off your coat
I'll make you feel at home
Now let's pour a glass of wine
Cause now we're all alone
This sounds like a very nice way to be greeted after a long day. Also -- love your granny glasses, mustachioed CMB ringleader.
I've been waiting all night
So just let me hold you close to me
Cause I've been dying for you girl
To make love to me
No qualms here. After all, we wouldn't want you to die.
Girl you make me feel real good
We can do it 'til we both wake up
Wait, what? Do it 'til we both wake up? Last we checked, the only thing you can really do until you wake up is sleep. It's become increasingly clear that this song is a big part of the reason sexual intercourse baffled us until well into the Clinton years. (Although that cigar stuff was confusing too.)
Girl you know I'm hooked on you
And this is what I'll do
I wanna sex you up
And what is "sexing up," exactly? Are these guys really into having sex while standing? That's about as sexy -- and as logistically complicated -- as the birds and bees talk our mom had with us.
Let me take off all your clothes
Disconnect the phone so nobody knows
Let me light a candle so we can make it better
Makin' love until we drown
Wait, why are you disconnecting the phone? Are you going to rape me? And why would that prohibit anyone from knowing, anyway? And, speaking of bodily harm, why are we talking about drowning? How much liquid does "sexing up" produce?
Girl, just make me feel so good
I just wanna - I just wanna lookatchu
Don't say anything at all
Just lay back
Enjoy the ride
That's one creepy spoken interlude. "Don't say anything at all"? Um, is that a threat? Oh, and if we lay back, we're not riding anything; you are. Just sayin'.
Don't be shy girl, get with me
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Open up your heart, and I'll set you free
Is that what happens after I get sexed up? You'll let me go?
Conclusion: Color Me Badd? More like Color My Adolescence A Complete Disaster. Thanks anyway, dudes. I'll stick with Skinemax.