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Chris Brown's "Don't Wake Me Up": Why This Song Sucks

[Editor's note: Why This Song Sucks determines why particular tracks blow using science. It appears on West Coast Sound every Wednesday.]

Song: Chris Brown's "Don't Wake Me Up"

History: "Don't Wake Me Up" is the hyper danceclub track from Chris Brown's latest album, Fortune. Apparently, wherever it is that Chris Brown was raised, kids are taught that the word "fortune" is a synonym for "poopfest," because that's absolutely what that album is.

Atmospherics: Like if a Red Bull Energy Drink drank a Red Bull Energy Drink and then called a few other Red Bull Energy Drinks like, "DUUUUUDES I'M TOTES ABOUT TO RECORD A SONG RIGHT NOW AND OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD IT'S GONNA BE EPIIIIIIIIIIIIC!" and then he recorded that song and it turned out to be awful.

Scientific Analysis: Chris Brown has been famous for approximately seven years now. He's had five different albums and been on over 100 tracks. Still, with all of that, with all of those miles, only three things have appeared to be concrete:

1. He has nice abs. I saw him in concert this last time he was on tour. At one point, he picked up his shirt to reveal his stomach. My mouth made an instinctive, "...DAAANNNNNG." I wished it hadn't, but it did. The end.

2. He is crazy. Remember the nude photo that leaked? Remember the Drake fight? Remember the battered woman tattoo? Remember the blonde hair? Remember the chair through the window?

3. He is capable of making exactly two kinds of songs: Really great ones (even today, 2006's "Run It" still plays like a masterpiece) and really shitty ones. When you're a father of sons, any time one of them falls down, there are only two responses you'll ever say; either "He'll be okay," or "Call a mortician." If Chris Brown is the dad of his songs, he should've called the mortician for this one. Or something.

Chris Brown's "Don't Wake Me Up": Why This Song Sucks

"Don't Wake Me Up" is basically every David Guetta song, except with zero percent David Guetta. And is a David Guetta song with no David Guetta even really a song at all? No, no it's not. It's a big hot plate of poop. And, like, that's not hyperbole for the sake of education. That's stone fact, chillbros. Why do you think they call the David Guetta Mathematical Theorem the "David Guetta Mathematical Theorem"? Look, I found this scribbled on a piece of paper in a hallway where Matt Damon was working as a janitor.

This is all 100 percent accurate.
This is all 100 percent accurate.

Malibooyah. That's math, playa. Or, rather, that's a little thing we like to call Grabbing The Argument By The Nuts.

And even if we ignore that the song's sound is little more than a retread of the bombastic yippee! tracks that have semi-dominated Billboard's Top 100 recently, "Don't Wake Me Up" has lyrics which can be unwound by math too.

To wit, the song has a total of 240 words. Of those 240 words, more than half of them are either "don't" or "wake" or "me" or "up," and that's preposterous. The word "up" alone appears 65 times, yo.

What's more -- and I wish this was made up -- there are 11 people credited with writing this song. ELEVEN. That means that, at some point, someone was sitting there like, "You know what? I mean, I know that this song has 'up' in it 64 times, but I really feel like if Brown hits it just one more time, it'll really bring it home." And then ten other people in the room were like, "...BRILLIANT."

Goddamnit I hate the world.

Conclusions:

(I) When I was a kid, I convinced my youngest sister that "goddamnit" was a really fancy way to say please. A few days later during breakfast, she said to our father, "Daddy, would you pass the syrup goddamnit?" It remains to be my greatest achievement of all.

(II) Chris Brown was pretty good in concert, but that's only because he can dance like LeBron James can dunk. In retrospect, the entire show was mechanical. There weren't any moments that weren't perfectly scripted. The show started, he was there for a bit, then it was over. I think everyone had cleared out by 9:45 p.m. or so, and I only got one erection the entire time. That's a way too low moments to erections ratio.

(III) Good Will Hunting was pretty good.

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