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Bizarre Ride: Jeff's Humorous Predictions and Most Anticipated Albums for 2013

Earl Sweatshirt
Earl Sweatshirt

[Editor's note: Weekly scribe Jeff Weiss's column, "Bizarre Ride," appears on West Coast Sound every Wednesday. His archives are available here.]

Half of January has elapsed and we've survived. There was no collapse due to fiscal cliff, Central American apocalypse or dubstep deluge. A new year unfurls, fraught with unfulfilled resolution, sundry ratchetdom and witch-hunting Hansel & Gretel adaptations. As Candide and R. Kelly once said: It's the best of all possible worlds.

What looms in 2013? Will Kanye and Kim Kardashian's baby get a spinoff reality show or merely inspire Kanye, Big Sean and Cyhi the Prynce to make a hip-house mixtape with Full House artwork and skits? (DJ Khaled plays DJ Tanner.) Here are 10 prognostications and the local records that I'm most eager to hear.

Predictions for 2013:

1. Skrillex will become resident DJ at a revamped Circus Circus casino in Vegas (redesigned by Kanye). His show will feature a bold dubstep re-envisioning of The Da Vinci Code.

2. Frank Ocean will clean up at the Grammys, angering the band Fun. so much that they'll bum-rush the stage and rant about how they're "for the children."

3. Kreayshawn will be cast as the lead in the live-action remake of Sailor Moon.

4. Psy ended 2012 by claiming that he will never perform "Gangnam Style" again. He will end 2013 on tour with the Baha Men and the bros who sang "Macarena."

5. IDM and EDM will merge into the mega-genre and rave staple IBS.

6. Jack White will invent a fedora that can also be used as a guitar. The Black Keys will immediately adopt the new instrument.

7. Chief Keef will quit rap to launch a line of artesian molly water.

8. Nicki Minaj, Angel Haze and Azealia Banks will form a super-group called Minaj a Trois. They'll break up three minutes into their first rehearsal.

9. 2 Chainz will open up a line of salons called Killer Hair Weave.

10. Justin Bieber will hit up Flying Lotus for DMT. On Twitter.

My most anticipated L.A. albums are below

My Most Anticipated L.A. Albums:

Schoolboy Q, Oxymoron (Interscope, date TBA):

Two years ago, the Black Hippy hedonist claimed that he lacked money but bet he had some weed. After he drops his Interscope debut, he'll have plenty of both.

Vince Staples, untitled (date TBA):

The Long Beach-raised Odd Future affiliate is your proverbial favorite rapper's rapper. He's one project away from being everyone else's.

Dam-Funk, Invite the Light (Stones Throw, spring):

Modern funk so smooth you'll imagine you're doing 80 down PCH in a Cadillac, even while you're stuck in freeway gridlock in a burgundy Zip Car. With guests Ariel Pink and Q-Tip.

Local Natives, Hummingbird (Frenchkiss, Jan. 28):

Indie rock so angelic and harmonious that it transcends the clich├ęs inherent in this description.

Shlohmo, Laid Out EP (Friends of Friends, March 5):

After 2010's hallucinatory Bad Vibes, 23-year-old Henry Laufer blew up with remixes of Burial and The Weeknd. Right now, he's the IDM game's Clayton Kershaw.

Earl Sweatshirt, Doris (Columbia/Tan Cressida, TBA):

I've heard four songs -- including one with Frank Ocean rapping as well as he sings. If the rest is equal, Earl is the MF Doom of Fairfax.

Jonwayne, untitled (Stones Throw, TBA):

Four months ago, Jonwayne played me his album and it was arguably the best abstract psych-rap album since Edan's Beauty & the Beat. He says the new version is better. Believe him.

Hanni El Khatib, untitled (Innovative Leisure, TBA):

Knife-fight music produced by Dan Auerbach of The Black Keys. Ideally mixed with expensive bourbon while rumbling at the Observatory.

Freddie Gibbs & Madlib, Cocaine Pinata (Madlib Invazion, TBA):

My frontrunner for album of the year. Madvillain channeled through mug shots and malice.

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