The 10 Worst Electronic Dance Tracks Before the Rise of EDM

The following 10 tracks are basically this guy in aural form.
The following 10 tracks are basically this guy in aural form.

I both love electronic club music and admit it might be one of the laziest musical formats around. I've thought that since long before EDM's rapid, vapid ascent in America. Prior to the indefensible cultural disaster that is EDM, there was plenty of trash across the electronic/dance spectrum. From house to trance to hillbilly electronica to drum ’n’ bass to electro-swing, these are the songs that give dance music — and perhaps culture and humanity at large — a bad rap.

10. Darude, "Sandstorm"
I made a general effort to include songs you might have actually heard on this list, and you'll likely recognize this cheesedick monster anthem. This is probably the song on this list I hate the least. I can at least laugh at it ironically, which I can't say for anything else below. So it's got that going for it. It's also only been viewed 66 million times on YouTube. Fun fact: Darude has never actually experienced a sandstorm in real life.

9. Global Deejays, "San Francisco"
This "interpolation" of Scott McKenzie's "San Francisco" not only sucks but also makes me hate "San Francisco." I'm pretty sure the Global Deejays have a) never been to San Francisco and b) never met actual songwriters. The Austrian goobers behind the Global Deejays brand are the DJ equivalent of Hans and Franz: young, dumb and unentertaining. There's no reason for this song to exist.

8. Yolanda Be Cool, "We No Speak Americano"
No list of bad dance music would be complete without at least one nod to electro-swing. This particular track came out a good year or so before "Bangarang," so I think this is still essentially pre-EDM. And, oh man, is this song terrible. It's a childish update of Renato Carosone's classic "Tu Vuò Fà L'Americano" that manages to sully the original and add nothing worthwhile to an old idea. It's the dance-floor equivalent of drinking moonshine out of a fedora.

7. Paul Oakenfold, "Southern Sun"
Literally no one likes this song, including (likely) old Oakey himself. I mean, how could you? I have a few controversial opinions. This isn't one of them: Paul Oakenfold is one of the worst of that original superstar DJ class. "Southern Sun" is the aural equivalent of a soiled V-neck.

6. Delerium feat. Sarah McLachlan, "Silence (Tiësto's In Search of Sunrise Remix)"
This track was suggested to me by a very credible DJ who would literally die if I outed him for listening to stuff like this in his teens. So, out of respect to this DJ's life and career, he will remain nameless. This song, unfortunately, will not. It's an aggresively turgid trance number that either takes itself way too seriously or not seriously at all. The late ’90s were a nightmare in so many respects, and this song triggers the worst memories of the era.

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