Blended (PG-13)

Comedy 117 min. May 23, 2014
By Amy Nicholson
A romance ripped from the pages of Deuteronomy, Frank Coraci's Blended posits that the best reason for a woman with sons and a man with daughters to get married is that they can take care of each other's kids. Quel pragmatisme! In the world of this sitcom love story, men are from Mars and women should be from a defiled menstrual tent far enough away that Adam Sandler won't have to hear them talk about tampons. (To be fair, in Blended even an elderly pharmacy clerk is eager to tell Sandler about the size of her vagina.)

Sandler and Drew Barrymore play single parents with zero dating experience whose first blind date is, naturally, a disaster. Their characters married before college graduation, managed to spawn five kids between them, and yet, despite spending almost two decades with their former spouses (one dead, one a dick), have never learned anything about the opposite sex. Hell, they could have learned everything they needed to know about each other by watching another romantic comedy as bad as this: He's the schlub who mans a sports store with Shaq; she's the pearl-clenching workaholic who co-owns a closet-organizing company.

Will she school him on responsibility? Will he teach her to loosen up? Duh. Will Blended take two hours and a trip to Africa to get there while implanting uncomfortable messages like "girls aren't pretty without long hair"? Alas, yes.
Frank Coraci Adam Sandler, Drew Barrymore, Bella Thorne, Terry Crews, Wendi McLendon-Covey, Joel McHale, Lauren Lapkus, Kevin Nealon, Anna Colwell, Alyvia Alyn Lind Ivan Menchell, Clare Sera Warner Bros. Pictures

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