Here’s how dumb things get in A Good Day for Die Hard–Related Media Product, which is being sold as a bang-bang movie sequel, A Good Day to Die Hard, so that nobody catches onto its true nature: a black-ops experiment testing the human faculty for discovering coherent patterns in unrelated shards of image. Late in the film, as their brains jigsaw director John Moore’s shots into their own individual narratives, audiences might discern that the heroes have leapt from a building without first looking down. As a helicopter crashes around them, they splash into the cheapest of fall-breaking contrivances: a well-maintained swimming pool. What makes this so risible is that the building they’ve jumped from is a long-abandoned military structure on the grounds of the Chernobyl nuclear plant—just the place for a refreshing dip. Welcome to Die Hard 5: You Thought Surviving a Nuke in a Fridge Was Stupid? One of those heroes is purportedly “John McClane,” a human male we’ve seen before. But time and indifferent scripting have streamlined him for nothing but brute, relentless motion, leaving us with an engine part we may as well just call Die Hard (Bruce Willis). The other hero is Die Hard Jr. (Jai Courtenay), a CIA agent undercover in Moscow. What exactly happens in the story I couldn’t say; no two viewers will assemble the same narrative from this Rorschach of running men, crashing glass, and hollered exposition. This least of all possible Die Hards is constructed like a window some kid broke and then tried to glue back together.
John MooreBruce Willis, Mary Elizabeth Winstead, Jai Courtney, Patrick Stewart, Megalyn Echikunwoke, Yuliya Snigir, Amaury Nolasco, Cole Hauser, Anne Vyalitsyna, Sebastian KochSkip Woods, Roderick ThorpAlex Young20th Century Fox