LA Weekly

I’m a 52-year-old male, divorced for the past eight years. I recently broke off a five-year relationship with a woman two years my senior. About six weeks ago, a new female worker started in our office. We’re really hitting it off and, frankly, I’ve fallen for her — hard! However, she is 36, never married, and I have not asked her out yet, but I definitely want to. In fact, I want to marry her.

—Geezer In Love

I would advise you to stop wasting my time, GIL.

You’ve known this woman for six weeks — six weeks — and you haven’t so much as been out on a date with her yet. It’s not even appropriate to joke about marriage at this stage — marriage, GIL, which is so totally holy and sacred and between one man and one woman and wocka wocka wocka. And it’s entirely possible that you’ve mistaken this woman’s efforts to ingratiate herself with her new officemates as “hitting it off.” For all you know, this woman, like your coworkers, thinks you’re a creepy old letch, GIL.

And speaking of the so totally holy and super-sacred institution of marriage ...

When two dudes get married, the marriage-is-between-one-man-and-one-woman brigades crap their collective pants, vomit up ten thousand press releases, and run in circles screaming about all the hurricanes and earthquakes and unattractive haircuts that Our Loving FatherT is gonna rain down on our heads if we don’t pry Adam off Steve right fucking now.

Well, the one-man-and-one-woman crowd has been strangely silent about this polygamist sect in Texas that’s been all over the news. It appears that the Fundamentalist Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints has been organizing marriages/statutory rapes between one man and dozens or more women and/or girls. “Where’s the outrage?” writes a reader, which prompted me to go looking for some outrage at the reliably outraged website of Concerned Women for America (www.cwfa.org). There are more anti-gay-marriage press releases packed onto CWFA’s website than there is fudge packed into all the homos in all the Sodoms in all of North America. But there’s not one single word that I could find about these straight men in Texas violating the holy and sacred one-man-and-one-woman rule. What gives?

This is a super-vanilla question, but I thought I’d give it a go: My boyfriend and I have been together for three years and have been living together for nine months. He is very considerate, does housework, throws me birthday parties and hangs out with my friends. The problem is that I think that it’s very important to get married if you love someone and want to make a life with that person. He feels as though we haven’t known each other long enough. He never talks about “when we’re married,” but he does talk about things in the future. He wants to buy a house, for instance, but I’ve told him I will not move into said house without being married. His complete lack of consideration for my views on marriage makes me think that it will never happen. What should I do?

P.S. Sorry I don’t have any pics of his tush; it’s a good one!

Hold your ground, BRF. If he wants to buy a house and plan a future with you, tell him you’re down with that — so long as you’re married to him. If he doesn’t want to marry you, tell him he’ll have to do all that future crap with someone else.

But here’s the catch, BRF: You gotta mean it.

I struck up a couple of casual convos about a little kink with my girlfriend. She seemed into it at first. Then I brought it up a couple more times. She said things like, “I just like sex without all the drama and charades.” Then I brought it up again later and the discussion devolved into an argument.

—No Kink At Twenty Eight

Provided you’re not coming across like Eliot Spitzer doing a press conference — provided you don’t look and sound like a serial killer who just got caught with a suitcase full of women’s skins — all you have to do differently, NKATE, is make sure the girlfriend understands that drama and charades are requirements, not requests. Tell her that, being a decent sort, you would like to explore your run-of-the-mill kinks with your girlfriend. If she isn’t willing to explore with you, well, then she’s the wrong girlfriend for you and you’re the wrong boyfriend for her. Shake hands and say good-bye. Then keep having these convos with the women you date until you run across a girl who shares your kinks or is GGG enough to indulge them.

And speaking of bondage ...

Another kinkster is dead after being tied up and left alone. James Bargy, 29, died after his wife, Rebecca Bargy, tied him up and left him alone for 20 hours. Mr. and Mrs. Bargy reportedly played this game before; she was spending the night at a hotel with another man, and their cuckolding routine involved her leaving him bound and him wiggling out of the bondage. Not this time: Mr. Bargy — a ball gag in his mouth and most of his head wrapped in duct tape — asphyxiated before his wife returned. Mr. Bargy remains deceased as of this writing and Mrs. Bargy is facing prison time.

Once again, dear readers, a tied-up person should never be left alone. If being tied up and left alone or tying someone up and leaving them alone is an important part of your thrill, the tied-up person should not be in a stressful position, nothing should restrict his or her breathing (no fucking gags or duct tape), and someone should be well within earshot at all times.

And speaking of bondage ...

BDSM porn colossus Kink.com is launching an all-male bondage website — finally — and it’s hired occasional Savage Love guest expert Van Darkholme to head it up. Van is the director and star of the Bondo Gods series, the author and photographer of the book Male Bondage, a shibari expert, and a thoroughly nice guy. “We are looking for experienced performers and also newbies,” says Van, in order to get the new site off the ground. So if you’re gay and/or bi, wanna get tied up and erotically abused under the direction of a scorching-hot pro (you can check out Van at his personal website www.vandarkholme.com), make some money and then get jerked off over by thousands of happy paying customers, you’re invited to apply today at Kink.com.

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