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The Lord Giveth!

''In the future, I see you taking La Brea to Venice Boulevard, then turning right...''  See Sunday.

''In the future, I see you taking La Brea to Venice Boulevard, then turning right...'' See Sunday.

{mosimage}FRIDAY, April 14

He has returned — Cedric the Entertainer, that is. Let’s all forgive him for The Honeymooners and praise the man in the fedora. C the E does a funny bit about Al Green’s “Love and Happiness.” He says what makes it a great song is that it tells a story and also answers your questions. Case in point: “?‘Something’s going wrong.’ What’s wrong, Al? ‘Someone’s on the phone.’ What time is it? ‘Three o’clock in the morning, yeah.’?” The Wiltern, Wilshire Blvd. & Western Ave.; Fri.-Sat., April 14-15, 8 p.m.; $37.50 & $47.50. (213) 480-3232.


SATURDAY, April 15

Here comes Peter Cottontail. And look, he’s driving that new biodiesel vehicle. Long Beach’s Justin Rudd, who organizes highly original volunteer opportunities, concocted this Easter Egg Beach Cleanup. Before you’re unleashed to hastily scrounge for cash- and candy-filled eggs, everybody heads out to clean up trash on the beach. Then it’s every man for himself for the egg hunt, one of which will contain a pair of tickets to any U.S. destination on JetBlue. Praise Jesus! 1 Granada Ave., Belmont Shore; Sat., April 15, 10 a.m.; free.
www.beachcleanup.org.


SUNDAY, April 16

Easter Sunday: Will it be church, an egg hunt, family dinner .?.?. or “grisly bar fights, tragic suicides and opium dens”? We thought so. Nightmares of Bunker Hill Crime Bus Tour is the latest offering from the fun-loving, history-smitten sickos of the 1947 Project. Crime fiend and nice gal Kim Cooper promises “shock, scares and hilarity” as you explore Bunker Hill, “the weird, old L.A. that’s not there anymore, and the badly behaved people who didn’t make the city great but sure made it interesting.” After touring the area’s old Italian/Mexican barrio, the bus pulls into the historic business district, “where early Angelenos go toppling into open sewers, toss bottles of acid at former lovers, torment their dentists, attempt to speak to the dead, find severed limbs in their backyards and spit tobacco on the backs of ladies’ ball gowns.” Again, praise Jesus! The five-hour tour includes snacks and beverages. Sun., April 16, noon-5 p.m.; $47. Call for reservations: (323) 223-2767. www.1947project.com.


MONDAY, April 17

Reel Talk with Stephen Farber,
where you get to see movies before they’re in theaters and therefore act like a big know-it-all to all your friends, assuming you have friends, continues with a screening of American Dreamz by writer-director Paul Weitz (?American Pie, About a Boy and In Good Company), the new political satire starring Dennis Quaid, Hugh Grant and Mandy Moore. Weitz will be there for the Q&A. Wadsworth Theater, 11301 Wilshire Blvd., Brentwood (on the Veterans Administration grounds); Mon., April 17, 7 p.m.; $17. (213) 480-3232.


TUESDAY, April 18

Two viewing tips: Coachella, a new, expanded DVD, is released today, featuring performances from the Coachella Valley Music & Arts Festival by Björk, Bright Eyes, the Flaming Lips, Iggy & the Stooges, Morrissey, the White Stripes, the Pixies and lots more. It’s just like being there, without all the smelly bodies (Anti, $29.95). And tonight is the premiere of Empire Square, a new animated series described as “the British South Park.” The show was co-created by Dave Rowntree, drummer for mega-selling British superstars Blur, and is set in the rock world. Tues., 7:30 p.m., on Fuse.


WEDNESDAY, April 19

Entertainment Tonight premiered in national syndication on September 14, 1981. Did you know host Mary Hart’s legs were insured in 1985 by Lloyd’s of London and are lit by a special fiber-optic light on the set? But just how do they put each fast-breaking episode together? Where do they get their scoops? Does Madonna call them up? All your questions can be answered at the Museum of Television & Radio’s 25 Years of Entertainment Tonight, with Linda Bell Blue, Jann Carl, the aforementioned Hart and her gams, Leonard Maltin (two stars for Animal House? Shame!) and Mark Steines. Museum of Television & Radio, 465 N. Beverly Dr., Beverly Hills; Wed., April 19, 7-8:30 p.m.; $15, $7 students. (310) 786-1091.


THURSDAY, April 20

“Sarah likes to cook and read the Torah. But watch her dance, she puts the whore in horah.” That’s a line from What I Like About Jew’s peppy song “Hot Jewish Chicks,” from their CD Unorthodox. These New York guys — Sean Altman and Rob Tannenbaum — finally come to the Promised La-La Land for an evening of such ditties as “They Tried To Kill Us (We Survived, Let’s Eat),” “Hanukah With Monica” and “Reuben the Hook-Nosed Reindeer.” Yep, the Jew puns never end with these two. “We’re thrilled to be performing in L.A., as we’ve been told that our people control Hollywood. Maybe we’ll be discovered, like Bernie Schwartz was before he became Tony Curtis,” says Altman. “We welcome all faiths, but let’s face it: With a band name like What I Like About Jew, we’re not likely to draw many Muslims. We’re a friend to all types of Jews — reform, conservative and even those wacky Orthodox ones who dress like Mormons. The only Jews we don’t welcome are the Jews for Jesus, whom we detest so much that we wrote a spritely punk anthem about them.” Don’t pass-over this one! Tangier, 2138 Hillhurst Ave., Los Feliz; Thurs., April 20, 7:30 p.m.; also Fri., April 21, 8 & 10 p.m.; $15. (323) 666-8666 or www.virtuous.com.