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You don't know the half of it. See Saturday.

FRIDAY, January 12

The Los Angeles and Orange County Theater Organ Societies come together to present five events over this weekend, none of which star Ben Stiller. Wurlitzer Weekend kicks off with Beyond the Rocks, a 1922 silent film starring Rudolph Valentino and Gloria Swanson that was lost for most of the 20th century. Bob Salisbury accompanies on the aforementioned classic organ. Orpheum Theater, 842 S. Broadway, dwntwn.; Fri., Jan. 12, 8 p.m.; $20. Four other events take place at other venues. (888) 528-6722 or www.latos.org.

SATURDAY, January 13

If it takes a bisected woman’s body left in a littered field to bring us together in city pride, what does that say about us? Never mind, it’s The Lost Weekend: 60 Years of L.A.’s Black Dahlia. The unsolved murder of Elizabeth Short is still a gripping, grisly tale that could only happen in Tinseltown. Filmmaker Ramzi Abed, 1947project and B. Beretta UnLimited present this nearly weeklong series of events (which kicked off January 11). The Real Black Dahlia Crime Bus Tour (Sat.-Sun., Jan. 13-14, 11 a.m.-4 p.m.; $47), a.k.a. “How Not to Get Ahead in Hollywood,” includes the site where Elizabeth was shortened, the nearby home of a possible suspect and — this is lovely — gelato flavors inspired by the murder, including sour cherries and whiskey. And when these people say the tour is “exhaustive,” they mean it: no shortcuts. Other events include cocktails at the Biltmore Hotel before a fancy black-carpet movie screening of Abed’s Black Dahlia Movie (Tues., Jan. 16; $150) and an art exhibit, “Her Name Was Elizabeth,at the Regent Theater (446-450 S. Main St., dwntwn.; thru Feb. 9). There’s even Requiem for a Dahlia, A Macabre Cabaret (3 Clubs, 1123 N. Vine St., Hlywd.; Mon., Jan. 15, 10 p.m.; no cover). All the details are at www.1947project.com, or call (323) 223-2767.

SUNDAY, January 14

Did your screenplay sell in 2006? Did it even get started? If you answered “no” to both these questions, then maybe you need The Un-Cab Lab. Raise your hand if you think you have the kernel of an idea for the next Little Miss Sunshine. Yep, that’s all of us. (Mine is a sassy professional blurbologist stalked by a snarky op-ed writer.) Alt-comedy swami Beth Lapides leads a writing and performance workshop to teach her proven techniques to wannabe creative types who want to develop something, so that they can experience artistic rejection like everybody else in this town. And if this whole thing sounds a little too blurbomercial for ya, please note there was no monetary exchange involved. Unlike the stripper ads in the back of this paper. M Bar, 1253 N. Vine St., Hlywd.; Sun., Jan. 14, 21, Feb. 4 & 11, 2-5 p.m.; $350. (323) 993-3305.

MONDAY, January 15

Today we celebrate the birthday of Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr., though the L.A. Weekly considers it a “floating holiday.” (Too bad that doesn’t mean spending the day on a chartered yacht on the company’s dime.) Dr. King would no doubt approve of L.A.’s black, lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender community’s Seventh Annual King Day Celebration. Dr. Earl Ofari Hutchinson will be honored, as will AIDS activist Kevin Pickett, filmmakers Deondray Gossett and Quincy Le Near. Karamo Brown, the first openly gay black gay man on MTV’s The Real World, hosts, and Jasmyne Cannick gives the keynote address. L.A. Gay & Lesbian Center’s Village at Ed Gould Plaza, 1125 N. McCadden Pl.; Mon., Jan. 15, 7 p.m.; free. (323) 733-4868.

One man come in the name of love, one man come to Santa Monica. The Martin Luther King Celebration features the Reverend Dr. Lawrence Edward Carter Sr., dean of the Martin Luther King Jr. International Chapel at Morehouse College, speaking in a program — the largest in Southern California — that also features inspirational readings, music and scholarship presentations, followed by the Santa Monica Symphony’s Martin Luther King Commemorative Concert. SGI, Inc. World Culture Auditorium, 525 Wilshire Blvd., Santa Monica; Mon., Jan. 15, 9 a.m. (concert at 2:30 p.m.); free. (310) 434-4003.

TUESDAY, January 16

While you wait for the return of Wicked to the Pantages, feast your fangs on another pair of feisty femmes. Former Dynasty divas Joan Collins and Linda Evans star in Legends!, James Kirkwood’s musical about two feuding has-been actresses making their Broadway comeback, which promises “full-blown comic confrontation” and we hope some bitch-slapping. The Wilshire Theater, 8440 Wilshire Blvd., Beverly Hills; Tues.-Fri., 8 p.m.; Sat., 2 & 8 p.m.; Sun., 1 & 6:30 p.m.; $27.50-$77.50. (213) 365-3500.

WEDNESDAY, January 17

Unfortunately, nobody bothered to get me The Concise Guide to Sounding Smart at Parties, which I put on my Christmas list this year. Hence, at a New Year’s Day party, I was the one pretending to be interested in the host’s book collection for three hours. Had someone thought to begift me David Matalon’s and Chris Woolsey’s cute tome of “effortless party banter” (we’ll see about that), maybe I could have felt more like Holly Golightly in Breakfast at Tiffany’s and less like Peter Sellers in The Party.Book Soup, 8818 Sunset Blvd., W. Hlywd.; Wed., Jan. 17, 7:30 p.m.; free, book costs $12. (310) 659-3110.

THURSDAY, January 18

“Audiences are encouraged to dress as their favorite characters” at Disney’s Sing-Along Mary Poppins — so smudge your faces with ashes and prepare to “Step in Time.” Song lyrics will be projected onto the screen — not that that will be necessary for us real fans of MP. Baby, I’ll be your Bird Lady if you’ll be my Uncle Albert. El Capitan Theater, 6838 Hollywood Blvd., Hlywd.; daily 10 a.m., 1:10, 4:20 & 7:30 p.m.; also 10:15 p.m. Fri.-Sat.; thru Jan. 31; $12 & $20. (800) DISNEY6.


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