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Freaks and Cleats

He super freaky, ow: See Friday.

FRIDAY, July 7

The California Institute of AbnormalArts, which bends over forward and backward to bring us entertainment of the eye-popping, non-mainstream variety, presents The Super Freaks Sideshow and Revue. On the bill: George the Giant, who will swallow swords; diminutive burlesque dancer Selene Luna; music from Mr. Uncertain; belly dancer Princess Farhana; the Reverend Tommy Gunn, who does something horrifying involving his nipples; and — if this doesn’t get you to fork over the 10 bucks, nothing will — Señor Stretchy Skin! Pinheads admitted free. CIA, 11334 Burbank Blvd., North Hollywood; Fri., July 7, 8:30 p.m.; $10. www.ciabnormalarts.com.

SATURDAY, July 8

There are a few things you have to do before you can call yourself an Angeleno: miss the entire first act of a play at the Ahmanson because you were stuck in traffic; trip and fall on loose gravel at Runyon Canyon and have Jake Gyllenhaal help you to your feet; and watch the dragon-boat races at The Lotus Festival. All things related to the Pacific Islands will be celebrated, including an international marketplace with arts and crafts, food, martial-arts demonstrations, an art show, and entertainment on two stages. Echo Park, Glendale Boulevard south of Sunset Boulevard; Sat., July 8, noon-9 p.m.; Sun., July 9, noon-8 p.m.; free. (213) 485-1310.

Some local glossy proclaimed “Hollywood Is Back” so that the population of Pacific Palisades could read all about slumming in 90028 — but the rest of us know that the musty glamour of Hollywood has never gone away. You just have to know where to look. And nobody knows better than the folks at Hollywood Heritage, who are offering Historical Walking Tours of Hollywood Boulevard, where you might learn more than just where to drink with Ashton Kutcher. Meet at Selma Avenue & Vine Street, Hollywood; every Sat., 9 a.m.; $10. Call for resv.: (323) 465-6716.

SUNDAY, July 9

By now, you know what “offside” means and you can tell your Beckhams from your Kakas. It all comes down to Sunday’s big World Cup final in Berlin. If you can’t be there in person, you can attend The 2006 World Cup Final Super-Party. Your ticket includes the game on the giant screen, plus screenings of the rare ’60s flicks Go-Go Mania! and Goal! World Cup 1966, plus German food and beer and live ’60s music penned by the Spencer Davis Group, Denny Laine and Stephen Bishop, all designed to remind attendees that though this month America may celebrate its independence from Great You-Know-Who, it was England that won the World Cup in 1966. Egyptian Theater, 6712 Hollywood Blvd., Hollywood; $40 ($35 if you bring in this page!), $30 seniors & students. www.InterFootballDay.com.

MONDAY, July 10

Reel Talk With Stephen Farber is your best bet for intelligent film discourse (well, next to standing in line at the ArcLight behind Scott Foundas). This week, it’s a screening of Ed Burns’ The Groomsmen, an ensemble comedy starring Donal Logue (who will speak), Matthew Lillard, Jay Mohr, John Leguizamo and Brittany Murphy. Wadsworth Theater, on the Veterans Administration grounds, Bldg. 226, 11301 Wilshire Blvd., West L.A. (213) 365-3500.

TUESDAY, July 11

Once in a while, things arrive in the mail. Sometimes those things are clever and colorful and get their point across quite clearly. Thus, a publicist has done his/her job. Rarely, the thing that gets your attention is something you cannot show your mother, let alone your co-workers. So, to the wily minds behind Babeland: Project Sex Toy, nice work. Your little package speaks volumes. The sexy store will award prizes to three of the finalists who have come up with the new and unique sex toys. There will be an after-party. Babeland L.A., 7007 Melrose Ave., Hollywood; Tues., July 11, 6-8 p.m.; free. (323) 634-9480.

When did Kathy Griffin replace Margaret Cho as America’s Favorite Fag Hag? For that matter, where’s Liza been lately? America needs a Midwestern, no-nonsense type like Kathy to be our AFFH. Not to mention that she’s the hardest-working AFFH on cable TV. If she were my pal, I would tell her to take a break once in a while. Come catch a peak of her series, My Life on the D-List, and stay for a Q&A with Kathy. Maybe her hysterical parents will be there. Buy them a drink. Regent Showcase Theater, 614 N. La Brea Ave., Hollywood; Tues., July 11, 8 p.m.; $12. www.outfest.org. Also, see Comedy for info on Kathy’s three-night stand at the Wiltern.

WEDNESDAY, July 12

Who’s hotter — the Jets or the Sharks? Many feel it’s the Sharks. Who can resist George Chakiris and his panini-like pecs? But the Jets — well, when you’re a Jet, you’re a Jet all the way. From your first cigarette to your last dyin’ day! When our local homosexuals gather for an outdoor screening of West Side Story, as part of Outfest, you can see which gang is the crowd favorite. No one will be seated during “I Feel Pretty.” Bring a homophobe and get in free. John Anson Ford Amphitheater, 2580 Cahuenga Blvd.; Wed., July 12, 8:30 p.m.; $15. (213) 480-7065 or www.outfest.org.

THURSDAY, July 13

This week’s no-brainer barely needs blurbage: Our reigning surf guitar god, Dick Dale. A legend. It’s free. The salty sea air. The pelicans. The pelican poop. The bathrooms at Bubba Gump. Thank you, Santa Monica. Santa Monica Pier; Thurs., July 13, 7:30 p.m.; free. (310) 458-8901.?

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