¡Ask a Mexican! The Assimilator
Dear Mexican: Why does Arnold Schwarzenegger keep putting his foot in his mouth and talking smack about MEXICANS? To my understanding, his wife, Maria, is of Mexican descent. He’s not only humiliating nuestra raza, but his wife too. Please give the readers and me some input on the Governator.
—Deep Sea Angler
Dear Wab: You’re confusing your degenerate Catholics, cabrón: Maria Shriver is half-mick. But you’re right about her husband. Californians elected the action hero in 2003 and last year under the assumption he would shake up partisan politics, but Schwarzenegger’s only accomplishments in four years as governor are in Mexican bashing. In the past, he’s praised the Minuteman Project and claimed many Mexican immigrants “try to stay Mexican” in the United States. The latest examples emerged this month, when the Los Angeles Times unearthed year-old recordings of Schwarzenegger in which he compared illegal immigrants (read: Mexicans) to squatters in Zimbabwe who “come and land and you can’t get rid of them,” and said the 1986 amnesty “has fucked the American people” and that “Mexicans don’t make that effort” to assimilate and want to “create a Mexico within California.” Schwarzenegger isn’t wholly evil — the same tapes also feature him opposing mass deportations and a border fence. Indeed, the man is a genius. Though his English is still as accented as your average day laborer’s, Schwarzenegger nevertheless is Americanized enough to embrace the concept of Mexican exceptionalism, the uniquely gabacho belief that all immigrant groups assimilate into this great land except Mexicans. He’s acculturated enough to know that trashing Mexicans is the best way to bolster a floundering political or public career — just ask Lou Dobbs. Schwarzenegger also understands that an immigrant doesn’t truly become an American until he dismisses the latest huddled masses as pendejos. Yet despite his beaner bashing, Schwarzenegger still has the huevos to do interviews with Spanish-language media and spends millions on campaign ads en español. Unimaginative Chicanos refer to the Austrian-born Schwarzenegger as a Nazi; I call him the melting pot writ large with steroids.
Dear Mexican: I’m a teacher, and just about every one of my wetback kids is obese. Why are wetbacks so fat?
—Maestro of Nada
Dear Gabacho: All about the assimilation, chulo.
Got a spicy question about Mexicans? Ask the Mexican at firstname.lastname@example.org. Questions will be edited for clarity, cabrones. And include a hilarious pseudonym, por favor, or we’ll make one up for you!
For a longer version of ¡Ask a Mexican! plus links to past columns, go to www.laweekly.com.
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