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Absolutely Nothing About St. Patrick's Day

Charles Phoenix dares you to drive downtown on the day of the marathon. Photo by Chris Haston

Dear Academy honchos involved in making the dead-people tribute on the Oscars: Shame on you for overlooking not only the great Jack Wild, who, I’m sure you know, starred in 1968’s Best Picture, Oliver!,and was nominated for Best Supporting Actor. But how could you not include The Incredible Mr. Limpet himself, Don Knotts? Shame!!

FRIDAY, March 17

When you leave the house this week, remember it’s Fashion Week, kids. Make a statement when you walk the aisles at Vons. The New Garde: A Celebration of Innovative Los Angeles Fashion is Gen Art’s whoop-dee-doo “launching three Los Angeles/Pacific Rim designers into the fashion community.” We’re not sure how that type of launch works, but you can bet all involved will look smashing. Gen Art promises dramatic installations introduced by such stars of tomorrow as Emily Procter, Kelly Hu, Kristen Bell, Aisha Tyler and Cobie Smulders. Yes, there will be an open bar. But don’t expect any St. Paddy’s Day revelry. Park Plaza Hotel, 607 S. Park View Ave., downtown; Fri., March 17, 8-11 p.m.; $35, $70 VIP. (310) 360-0141; genart.org.

SATURDAY, March 18

In Seven Ways to Skin an Ocelot, you will learn that John Cleese has 17 cats, that a certain species of lemur is named for him, and that he had a portion of his colon removed that he said looked “like a piece of sweet-and-sour pork.” His one-man show, which he’s been performing at various venues around town, promises “various Cleese underlings, flunkies, retainers, sidekicks, minions, cat’s-paws and cronies.” Royce Hall, UCLA, Westwood; Sat., March 18, 8 p.m.; $25-$50. (310) 825-2101.

SUNDAY, March 19

Speaking of Fashion Week, Charles Phoenix is a chap who looks fab in Mickey Mouse ears, which few men can really pull off. This adorable fellow, who looks like a grown-up Mouseketeer, has come up with a wacky theory that downtown Los Angeles is laid out just like Disneyland. Besides the fact that you can score drugs on the streets of Fantasyland, we’re not sure we buy this concept, but others just love Charles Phoenix’s Disneyland Tour of Downtown Los Angeles, a.k.a. “The Happiest Cease and Desist Event in the World.” It’s a six-hour bus and walking tour that includes such highlights as Olvera Street and Old Chinatown as “Adventureland” and Union Station and Grand Central Market as “Main Street USA.” Meet at Union Station, 800 N. Alameda St.; downtown; Sun., March 19, noon-6 p.m.; also Sun., April 2; $65, includes snacks, souvenirs, fares & fees. (866) 754-3374.

The L.A. Marathon is today (see Events), which basically means don’t go anywhere near where we just told you to go.

MONDAY, March 20

Two reasons to go to Long Beach: Reason No. 1 is Marilyn Monroe: The Exhibit, “the world’s largest private collection of Marilyn Monroe artifacts ever assembled,” with more than 3,000 objects, from personal possessions, including lingerie and jewelry, to a 60-piece doll collection to Marilyn-monikered wine bottles. Reason No. 2 is Titanic: The Artifact Exhibit, with more than 270 artifacts. And that’s not to mention the intoxicating splendor of the Queen Mary herself. So make that three reasons.Queen Mary, 1126 Queens Hwy., Long Beach. Marilyn Monroe: The Exhibit?: Mon.-Fri., noon-6 p.m.; Sat.-Sun., 10 a.m.-6 p.m., thru April 15; $22.95. Titanic: The Artifact Exhibit?:daily, 10 a.m.-6 p.m.; $16.95, seniors & military $14.95, children $12.95. (562) 435-3511.

TUESDAY, March 21

With those Carnaby Street bangs, drainpipe black jeans and stripes of Mary Quant eyeliner, Chrissie Hynde is so freakin’ cool that even Chrissie Hynde wishes she were Chrissie Hynde. She’s reassembled The Pretenders so that the rest of us can be reminded just how freakin’ cool she is — no matter how many chicks with picks come along in her wake. The band’s most recent studio album is 2002’s Loose Screw,and the new box set, Pirate Radio, is just out. Maybe just listen to the early stuff, though. House of Blues, 8430 Sunset Blvd., West Hollywood; Tues.-Wed., March 21-22, 9 p.m.; $50. (323) 848-5100.

WEDNESDAY, March 22

If his press releases are to be believed, Brent Weinbach’s last name means “stream of wine” in German. Weinbach, who’s from Oakland, tells hilarious tales of his substitute-teaching experiences and car trips with his grandmother — all mundane stuff, granted, but there’s something menacing about this man that is quite intriguing. Weinbach debuts his show, A Perfect Day to Say I Love You. Ask your hipster San Francisco pals about it. Largo, 432 Fairfax Ave., West Hollywood; Wed., March 22, 9 p.m.; $10. (323) 852-1073.

THURSDAY, March 23

Two gals who work here at the Weekly (they’re fun, you’d like them) put on this raucous, unique, do-goody event called Rock & Roll Bingo, wherein everybody plays many raucous games of bingo with a bona fide rock star — this month it’s Audioslave’s Tom Morello — to raise money for a good cause, South Central Farmers. Seems that working at the L.A. Weekly drives you to drink at bars, but in an entirely politically correct fashion. Crane’s Hollywood Tavern, 1611 N. El Centro Ave., Hollywood; Thurs., March 23, 6-10 p.m.; $5 per bingo card. www.axisofjustice.org.


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