If you're young and want to feel good about yourself -- empowered and in control of you life -- there's one easy solution you may not have thought about:
Pile on the debt.
Amazingly, according to a recent nationwide study, the more credit card debt and college loans that young people aged 18 to 27 have, the better they feel about themselves.
Ranter: Fortyish fellow in bowler hat and polo-shirt
Location: #2 Bus, headed west from Sunset & Vermont
Time: 7:15 p.m. On a Wednesday
Topics Covered: The lingering pain of Jay Leno at 9 p.m.; NBC's desperation; the difficulty of arranging a network-level meeting; how not to land a big deal; terribly cruel workplace mindgames.
Does Rant Include Advice About Whom You Should Not Fuck With: Yeah, this guy's co-worker.
"We know the bible was not written as a science book, although whatever it says about science is true," state the authors of 1977's remarkable Science for Christian Schools Grade 5.
The book -- discovered in a Burbank junkshop and the subject of this week's Studies in Crap post on our Style Council blog -- argues against all the scientific bugaboos that have in recent decades increasingly been rejected by wide swathes of the American public.
The authors argue that a missing link is impossible yet Noah's ark is literally true. This is typical of the tasks they assign their readers:
"Make a list of biblical references to storms or unusual weather occurrences. Classify these into those which were used to defeat God's enemies, those which showed God's power, and other kinds of classifications."
There's lots more from Science for the Christian School over at Studies in Crap. But to be fair, don't click through until you've considered this advice from the book's authors:
"God gave us our marvelous senses for His glory. Be careful about the kind of things you listen to or look at."
Imagine how disappointed the purchasers of the daft Korean-to-English coursebook 3030 English will be when they discover just what the best known of the "hot girls" at American universities thinks of them!
This week's Studies in Crap post on our Style Council blog explores 3030 English, that treasure of goofiness, and shares the best of its ridiculous one-sided bilingual dialogues, most of which are about meeting girls.
The speakers admit to having the hots for actresses, moms, the underaged, and pretty much every other woman, with one kind of mean spirited exception:
Click on through to Studies in Crap for heaps of similar weirdness! And don't tell Alexandra Whats-Her-Name, whose last name I refuse to look up and include because each Googleable reference to her only makes her stronger!
Behold The Hamburger Hunt, a mercenary and execrable kids' book our Happy Meal-banning neighbors to the north have likely already tossed from their city so fair it costs $6 to drive into.
That's because the book -- the subject of this week's Studies in Crap column on our Style Council blog -- shills hard to get kids to love the Golden Arches that it would make Mac & Me blush.
Gorman, of course, is that speck of a townlike community in the Tejon Pass 60 miles north of Los Angeles. They've got a gas-station, a restaurant, and an antique mall stocked with an impressive collection of old circus books -- and shelf after shelf of hideous ceramic clowns. It's worth a stop sometime when you're braving the I-5.
As for The Hamburger Hunt -- well, every page is upsetting:
Why not click on through to Studies in Crap to marvel not at both the existence of The Hamburger Hunt and the town -- I mean "unincorporated community"-- that would preserve it in an antique mall.
Why not memory-trip back to the days of candy-stripers and cigarettes in the operating theater, the days before pajama-like scrub uniforms pre-printed with teensy Garfields. To the days when nurses and their carryings on with doctors -- like stewardesses and pilots -- enflamed the imaginations men and women alike.
That's the game at this week's Studies in Crap over on our Style Council blog. There, your Crap Archivist digs into a big 'ol box of 60s nurse romance novels recently discovers at a Los Angeles book sales. In books like Nurse Dormitory and The Taming of Nurse Conway we can revisit the days when doctors talked to nurses like this:
"'If you were even a few years younger I'd turn over my knee and give you the thrashing you deserve!'"
Or like this:
"Wear kiss-proof lipstick, Veronica. There might be a bit of necking on the evening's schedule."
There's much more where that came from over in this week's Studies in Crap!
Of course not. That's batshit. Why would anybody ask such a thing?
But ask they do, as you can see in this week's Studies in Crap post over on our artsy/awesome Style Council blog. There we take a loving look at Donald R. Burleson's 2003 treatise UFOs and the Murder of Marilyn Monroe, which looks like some ironic Mark Leyner kind of thing but is in actuality so serious that its author expresses concern for his personal safety.
Weirdly, Burleson spends less time discussing the UFO crash, which he seems to consider established fact, than he does the Kennedys' womanizing, which he seems to consider controversial. He alleges 1300 lovers for JFk and insists:
"Make no mistake - I consider Robert F. Kennedy one of the most detestable people I've ever heard of, and I would not for a moment try to excuse anything he did. In fact, I can never forgive John Kennedy for telling her Marilyn the things, in the first place, that got her in trouble, and I can never forgive Bobby Kennedy for the ruthless manner in which he saw to it that Marilyn would remain silent."
There's more crazy where this came from over in this week's Studies in Crap!
The biggest event in Los Angeles this last weekend, of course, was The Last Bookstore's enormous warehouse sale on West 15th, a two-day orgy of some 70,000 used and donated books, and all of the dry fingers, dust-irritated sinuses, and entire boxes of Dan Brown and The Lovely Bones that you would expect.
But as you can see in this week's Studies in Crap post over on our Style Council blog, there were heaps of strange greatness, as well. Where else might you find a jewel like God is in the Bedroom Too?
"For those of you who are married, if sex is not exactly a Disneyland experience, you may find yourself asking God the same question: 'Are we there yet?'"
Your Crap Archivist also dug up Henny Youngman's dirtiest jokes, a guide to improving your sex life though handwriting, a Los Angeles dietician's 1926 jeremiad against "genital deformities," and much, much more for you to shake your head at over at this week's Studies in Crap!
Yes, Punk marketing exists, and it reads just like you would expect: like someone somehow converted the sound of those guys beating up Jello Biafra that one time into the medium of a self-helpy bullshit business book.
The authors actually write:
"The punk rock that burst rudely onto the scene with bands like The Stooges, The New York Dolls, the Sex Pistols and The Clash was replete with energy and vitality and shook the complacent music industry to its core and scared the crap out of disco-infused freaks that were running/ruining the whorish record business . . . Likewise, marketing has reached the point at which a groundswell from the consumer up is engulfing the established industry thinking."
That's just one of the three insane business books spanked in this week's Studies in Crap column over on our Style Council blog. (They ran me $3 altogether at the Santa Monica Friends of the Library Book Store!)
Also up for punishment: Jungle Risk Management, which compares office life to wild dogs at hunt on the savannah, and Jesus CEO, which is simply the most blasphemous thing ever published and includes madness like:
"As quarterback, Jesus knew his game plan could not be to take the truth up the middle."
For much more, click on through to Studies in Crap!
We swear to whatever objective truth is left that nobody touched up that insane vintage Valentine to the right. Fact is, at one time it was perfectly permissible to exchange cards with "COCK" on them at area elementary schools.
That's just one of the dozen old Valentines we dug up for this week's Studies in Crap post over on our Style Council blog!
Click on through for all sorts of other nostalgic inappropriateness -- and even a couple sweet, handwritten pronouncements of love that might have come from your grandparents.
The cards range from terrible animal puns to sexy fake-outs to the puppy who wouldn't take "no" for an answer:
You'll find all that and more over at Studies in Crap!