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10 Ideas for Making It Out Of This Lakers Season Alive

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Fri, Feb 21, 2014 at 11:01 AM
click to enlarge Lakers' fans: Is anyone still rooting for this team? - PHOTO BY JEFF COWAN
  • PHOTO BY JEFF COWAN
  • Lakers' fans: Is anyone still rooting for this team?
Is anyone still out there? Have we abandoned this Lakers squad to smoke wax in the Bronson Canyon Batcave? Television ratings have plummeted 38 percent from last year. The team's record is 18-36, complete with eight straight home losses. Calling this season a bloodbath sullies the fine name of both blood and baths.

If the season ended tomorrow, it would mark the worst Lakers winning percentage since moving to Los Angeles. The last time the Lakers were this bad Marilyn Monroe was in and out of the White House and Jewish point guards were actively plotzing in the NBA. Lakers fans lack the antibodies to withstand this sort of pummeling.

Of course, the rest of the league is having a marvelous time attempting to correctly pronounce the term schadenfreude. Examine this video of the Houston Rockets mocking Staples Center's' "Howard Sucks" chants, after demolishing the Lakers by 28 points on Wednesday night. Adding insult was Dwight Howard's admission that what he missed most about Los Angeles was Sprinkles cupcakes. That's like leaving the Knicks and lamenting your distance from the Magnolia Bakery. (In case you wanted to extend this metaphor, Dwight would be a Samantha.)

This Thursday's trade deadline elapsed with the Lakers giving away Steve Blake for a $50 gift certificate to the Olive Garden and the rights to draft any breadstick of their choosing. To the franchise's credit, they refused to accept paltry offers for Pau Gasol and Jordan Hill. To its detriment, they failed to acquire any assets for the rebuilding process - which looks set to last until Obama is out of office.

No coaching change or single free agent signing will transform the Lakers into immediate championship or (maybe) even playoff contenders. The West is that good, and the injury hex of recent years makes me think that I should be reading Stephen King for omens. Leading up to the All-Star break, Lakers players had missed 191 total games to injuries, easily the highest total in the league.

Last season, we were in the panic zone. This year, we're in the bunker, semi-automatic to the temple, Teutonic blonde mistress by our side, cyanide-fizzing. Then again, Q-Tip taught us that things go in cycles.  Our winter of double-dribble discontent will eventually be replaced by brighter fortunes, or at least baseball seasons. With cold-blooded confidence and low-level substance abuse, we will endure this gulch. One day, other teams' fans will again tell our players they suck and actually be incorrect.

With that in mind, here are 10 ways to endure the days until the draft lottery.

10. Revel in Kobe's Twitter, Facebook, and Instagram
Rarely has an icon taken to social media with such flair and baffling awkwardness. Yesterday, he created a mild controversy by Tweeting that he was "not cool AT ALL" with the giveaway of the "psycho" competitive Steve Blake (AKA "Vino Blanco").

For Valentine's Day, he Instagrammed a semi-nude of his wife, Vanessa, purring in black bondage lingerie. At this point, he's one frustration away from buying ripped jeans and re-enacting the "Bound 2" video. We are luckier for it.

Turn the page for nine more modes of survival in this hellish season.

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