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City Rankings

10 Reasons L.A. Kicks St. Louis' Ass -- and the Dodgers Will Too

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Fri, Oct 11, 2013 at 9:38 AM

click to enlarge Oh, St. Louis. You make it too easy. - FLICKR/PAUL SABLEMAN
Picking on St. Louis is like picking on the fat kid at school -- the city is already so beleaguered, so desperate for approval, that giving it a hard time feels like nothing short of sadistic.

And yet as the Dodgers take on the St. Louis Cardinals in the National League Championship Series tonight, we're the underdog here. Yes, the Dodgers swept the Cardinals in a 2009 division series, but while the Dodgers have mostly been floundering since their last championship (in, um, 1988) the Cardinals are a playoffs juggernaut. They've won two World Series since 2006.

So why not undermine their confidence? If you feel like a jerk rubbing it in, just remember, this is the city that stole the Rams. Fuck these guys. And anyway, they started it.

Here are 10 reasons why L.A. kicks St. Louis' ass.

See also: 10 Reasons Why St. Louis Is Actually Great (and We're Total Assholes)

10. Crime

We're one of the safest big cities in America. They're a crime-ridden hellhole. (Just ask Clark Griswold.) In addition to a high murder rate - which, yes, city officials dispute every single time St. Louis makes one of those lists of the most dangerous cities in America, aka every single year -- St. Louis also sits right in tornado alley (a few years ago, a tornado sent plates of glass flying through the airport!) and is also susceptible to dangerous floods. That was enough to get STL -- place where elderly immigrants get beaten to death in broad daylight -- named the most deadly place to live in America a few shorts months ago.

9. Local Industry

We're best know as the home of the movie industry. St. Louis is best known as the home of Budweiser -- a shitty beer that is not, in fact, even headquartered there anymore. Like most things that grew up in St. Louis, it got the hell out as fast as it could, setting up HQ in (of all places) Belgium after being purchased by InBev in 2008. Today the biggest thing going in St. Louis is Monsanto, which is both slowly destroying the Earth and suing any farmers that dare to resist its destruction.

8. Celebrities

We've got celebrities up the wazoo. Theirs have all fled in disgust. Yes, Jon Hamm grew up there, and so did Jenna Fischer. But if you see someone described as "St. Louis' own," you can guarantee they left years ago for greener pastures. It's been going on all the way back to T.S. Eliot, who took to pretending to be British so as not to be associated with the place, and Tennessee Williams, who derided the city as "St. Pollution" and wrote, "I found St. Louisans cold, smug, complacent, intolerant, stupid, and provincial. I hate the place."

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