The Guy Who Lives For Coachella
Just weeks after returning home from Coachella 2013, he'd already bought his tickets to Coachella 2014. He didn't know who was performing. He didn't care. He just knew that he would be there, with his tent and his Jeep, and that he would pass the rest of the year rock-climbing and taking trips to Yosemite and maybe ingesting some molly. You don't also have to go to Coachella to date him, but it does help if you actively cultivate a wardrobe full of headbands and high-waisted denim shorts.
The Guy You're Pretty Sure Is A Drug Dealer
Where does he get all his money? He hangs out at his house almost all day. He dodges the question when you ask him point blank what he does for a living. Once he mentioned something ambivalent being in business with his brother, but that's the closest you've gotten to a straight answer. And yet, he pays for your dinner, drives a Lexus and travels all over the country. It's clearly cocaine. Cocaine is buying all your meals.
The Lounge Music Aficionado
And you shall know him by his hair gel.
When you meet this man at the club, you immediately suspect that you have nothing in common with him. His suit is just too polished; his nails, too manicured. But he's slick, and he's charming, and so you're all "what the hell," and then you go on one date with him and you remember that an appreciation of lounge music goes hand in hand with a general lack of interesting personality traits. And that makes you uncomfortable.
Make no mistake -- the foodie is a great date. You'll go to restaurants owned by Eric Greenspan and Susan Feniger, and you'll listen to him opine deeply about the foie gras ban. But the novelty will quickly wear off when you have an inexcusable hankering one day to eat at Chili's, because jalapeno poppers are secretly your jam, and you are suddenly judged. Witheringly.
For the record, there is nothing wrong with a jalapeno popper.