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The Six Types of Transplants Ruining L.A.

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Thu, May 16, 2013 at 6:00 AM
click to enlarge Ah, Hollywood. Beckoning transplants west like our own little Statue of Liberty. We kind of wish it wouldn't. - CHARLES G. THOMPSON/L.A. WEEKLY FLICKR POOL

See also: Fear and Loathing of Los Angeles: Let Them Keep Hating. We Know Better.

Every day, hundreds (just to go with a nice round number) of hard-working, diverse, interesting people come to Los Angeles and feed our desperately sluggish economy, buying tacos and facial treatments and what have you.

But let's face it. We get a lot of the wrong kind of people moving to Los Angeles, too. We see them every day, clogging our bars, taking our parking spots and hitting on our women. 

If only there were some kind of limit on certain people, like the United States used to have under Warren G. Harding to keep out all the Chinamen.

Here are the six kinds of people City Hall should put a hard quota on -- and by hard quota, we mean zero.

Here, then, are the six worst kinds of L.A. transplants:

6) The Hippie

Often from Northern California, the hippie comes to Los Angeles for its sunshine, cheap yoga and preponderance of religious cults. (OK, either that or he was aiming for San Francisco and overshot the mark.) This type often settles in Venice Beach, walks barefoot and talks about how he once found the perfect quinoa. Some are known to surf; they do so poorly.

Hippies are often thought to be mostly harmless, so long as they bathe once in a while. But the problem with the hippie is that he thinks he belongs here. In fact, hippies generally labor under the delusion that this land was built for them, ignorant of its origins as a homicidal cattle town built on the banks of a capricious river.

It's this sense of entitlement that makes the hippie's presence so insidious, so offensive to the native Angeleno. Peace, love and understanding? Try stolen water, labor strife and concrete.

5) The Instant Hater

It is, of course, fashionable in certain parts of the country -- the mouth-breathing, gun-rack-possessing parts -- to hate Los Angeles. The implication is that its denizens are foppish, that our gorgeous weather has made us soft.

Many, therefore, are primed to hate this town before even setting foot on our sandy shores. And so it is with little hesitation that they decry with disdain and wonderment, "Why does no one walk in L.A.?" or "Why can't anyone drive in the rain here?" as if they were the first one to come up with this brilliant observation. In no other locale on the planet do people make snap judgments about so vast a land mass and so numerous a people as they do in Los Angeles.

Here's a good rule of thumb: Until you've either conceived a child here, started a business or achieved enough to deserve your own Wikipedia page (of moderate length, not just two paragraphs you wrote yourself), you are a guest in our great city. Ask not why we do what we do; ask what you can learn from our strange and curious ways.

See also: Top 10 Reasons to Love Los Angeles and Never, Ever Leave

Turn the page for more transplants driving us crazy.

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