Loading...
Alcohol

Starbucks Adds Alcohol: Chain Is One Bad Hot Dog Away From Becoming 7-Eleven

Comments (0)

By

Mon, Jan 23, 2012 at 2:00 PM
click to enlarge Be very afraid, girls: Starbucks no longer a safe haven from drunk-tards hitting on you. - JONNY BOY
  • Jonny Boy
  • Be very afraid, girls: Starbucks no longer a safe haven from drunk-tards hitting on you.

As if the hipster / unpublished author / part-time screenwriter milieu of Starbucks wasn't enough of a reason to get your ass to the nearest indie java dealer ASAP, the coffee giant announced today that it's adding alcohol to the menu of as many as six Southern California locations.

Our local Starbucks could already use a bouncer to defend caffeine addicts against the crack addicts (not to mention the aggressively bad, ready made sandwiches), so anything 40 proof would just be the whipped cream on top.

Genius:

As our sister blog Squid Ink notes, the addition of hooch to the fine offerings could help you "make your own Four Loko" -- that since-remixed and oft-banned concoction of alcohol and caffeine.

Classy.

Clarice Turner, senior veep of U.S. ops at Starbucks says the move will ...

... evolve and enhance the Starbucks Experience based on what our customers are telling us.

Burp. That's what they're telling you.

We're amazed at Starbiggy's evolution from a near-high-end franchise (remember the breathless reaction to $2 coffee and $5 latte?) to a 7-Eleven you can live in, complete with panhandlers, so-so coffee, bad food and, now, booze.

Starbucks' Turner promises:

At select stores where it is relevant for the neighborhood, we are focused on creating an atmosphere where our customers can relax with a friend, a small bite to eat and a cup of coffee or glass of wine.

Mmm. Yes. Savor the terroir of Guy-Who-Lives-With-Mom-And-Comments-On-All-News-Stories, who's sitting next you, salivating over the nearby Asian American college girls and, now, has ample opportunity to get drunk as well.

Perhaps the saving grace of Starbucks at night was that hot young women and the unemployed men who love them could find a place safe from outright nightclub perversion.

No more, apparently.

If you read Kelefa Sanneh's awesome piece in the New Yorker late last year about the new appreciation for a "farmer-obsessed coffee movement" that eschew's Starbucks' over-roasted, mass-market fare, you know how far the chain has fallen down the java totem poll.

What's interesting here is that the 'Bucks seems to be doing so willingly, embracing the drink-in-the-liquor-store-parking-lot ethos: This is brown-paper-bagging-it with wi-fi!

Just don't spill any on your laptop.

[@dennisjromero / djromero@laweekly.com / @LAWeeklyNews]

Related Content

Related

Now Trending

Los Angeles Concert Tickets

Slideshows

  • The World Cup Celebrated And Mourned By Angelenos
    The World Cup has taken Los Angeles by storm. With viewings beginning at 9 a.m., soccer fans have congregated at some of the best bars in the city including The Village Idiot, Goal, The Parlour on Melrose, Big Wang's and more. Whether they're cheering for their native country, favorite players or mourning the USA's loss, Angelenos have paid close attention to the Cup, showing that soccer is becoming more than a fad. All photos by Daniel Kohn.
  • La Brea Tar Pits "Pit 91" Re-Opening
    Starting June 28th, The Page Museum once again proudly unveils the museum's Observation Pit, which originally opened in 1952 but has spent most of the last half century closed. Now visitors can get an up-close look at Pit 91, which is currently under excavation. The La Brea Tar Pits, home of the Page Museum, is one of the world's most famous ice age fossil locations, known for range of fossils from saber-toothed cats and mammoths to microscopic plants, seeds and insects. The new "Excavator Tour" is free with museum admission if purchased online at tarpits.org . All photos by Nanette Gonzales.
  • Scenes from the O.J. Simpson Circus
    In the months after O.J. Simpson's arrest for the murder of Nicole Brown Simpson and Ronald Goldman in the summer of 1994, the drama inside the courthouse riveted the masses. But almost as much mayhem was happening right outside the building, as well as near Simpson's Brentwood home. Dissenters and supporters alike showed up to showcase art inspired by the case, sell merchandise, and either rally for, or against, the accused football star. Here is a gallery of the madness, captured by a photojournalist who saw it all. All photos by Ted Soqui.