Admittedly, though, beneath the stupid hype, which has reached quite irritating proportions, there are some facts surrounding the 53-hour closure of the 405 freeway that we'd all be better off knowing, in the end. Yes, it's just one weekend, but it's a weekend we have to live through. Here's how -- because the wait time on L.A. Metro's customer-relations line is completely absurd right now.
Q: Where, and at what time, does the closure begin?
A: All on-ramps to the northbound 405 between the 10 and the 101, and southbound between the 101 and Getty Center Drive, will begin closing at 7 p.m. on Friday, July 15. They will all be closed by 10 p.m., at which time lanes will begin closing. Construction starts at 12 a.m.
As far as when, exactly, each on-ramp is closing, Caltrans spokeswoman Judy Gish says there's no specific plan available yet, so "people should really be planning to not take any of those ramps after 7." The Mulholland Bridge will also be closed, during those same hours.
Q: When will the 405 reopen? What if it doesn't?
A: By 6 a.m. on Monday morning, July 18, all lanes will be reopened to the public. If not, the construction company will be paying the city $6,000 for every 10 minutes they're late -- so the likelihood of that is very low. Plus, if your boss wants to know why you're late, "Carmageddon" is kind of the best excuse we can think of.
Q: What streets should I avoid?
A: That's the million-dollar question here -- and nobody will really know until construction is underway -- but many have taken their best guess. Metro gives the most obvious answer, for both directions: Exit the 405 on the 10 to the 101, or vice versa, then get back on the 405.
But, unless all this Carmageddon fear-mongering works its magic, the 10 and the 101 will likely be in states of complete gridlock all weekend. So we move to the surface streets: Metro officials are advising that only those who absolutely need to use Sepulveda Boulevard, which runs alongside the 405, take that route. (Hitler agrees.)
Pacific Coast Highway, which will be completely reopened for the occasion, is likely to be second most-crowded, after Sepulveda. From there, we get into the canyon roads, which L.A.'s rural folk would strongly advise you not to take, but which will probably be your best bet. (Unless everyone takes our advice. Sigh. Conundrums!) From east to west, we have Laurel Canyon Boulevard, Coldwater Canyon Boulevard, Beverly Glen, and Topanga Canyon Boulevard. The latter is the most gorgeous, if you care.
Q: Where can I get up-to-the-minute traffic information?
A: A GPS app called Waze, partnered with news station ABC7, is encouraging people with smart phones to use their service -- it'll show you which roadways are clogged and allow you to attach/view notes and photos at specific locations.
On the radio, KNX news radio (at AM 1070) is always very reliable. On television, if you have TimeWarner, it'll be airing "real time traffic maps, travel times, live anchor updates, alternative route information, live freeway video and interactive reports with the California Highway Patrol" at all hours of the day and night on Channel 101.
Q: Which bus and subway lines can I take for free?
A: For reasons unkown, L.A. Metro has only made certain bus and rail lines free this weekend, in the most complicated pattern we can imagine. So we're just going to have to direct you to their website for this one.
Q: Will the city turn to anarchy, allowing me to run around naked and participate in flash mobs and the like?