Oh, shit -- you lost the Best Actress statue to Natalie Portman? Well, do try to refrain from kinking the carpet and sending that bitch flying backward onto her fat, feathery (fine, pregnant) ass. Because in the end, you get to take home something worlds cooler than a naked gold guy.
You, dear loser, get a gift bag. We'll even throw in the eternal jealousy of the commoners, just for giggles.
On the real though. In case the nomination isn't enough to please them, Oscar contenders in all the major categories who don't win a statue get gift bags. Chock. Full. Of. Swag.
Lucky bastards. Here we have this year's consolation-bag contents, courtesy of Distinctive Assets:
The bag, named "Everybody Wins at the Oscars" (awww), will be delivered to losers the hazy morning after the March 25 event.
What do you think? Would you rather be handed a tired old Oscar by a bunch of tasteless geezers, or two-and-a-half months worth of luxury-hotel life -- with enough chocolate to replace every meal and Swarovski crystals to use as bathwater -- by a totally glam swag outfitter?
Ah, the good life.
Originally posted February 1 at 4:20 p.m.