OK, we know, we're part of the problem.
But who could resist a harmless gab about wild child Miley Cyrus' latest "cry for help"? Yes, that's actually what daytime newsies are calling it. We call it "an attempt to live a semi-normal experimental phase alongside fake friends who release videos of you taking bong hits to TMZ." Jerks.
But wait! It's not weed! TMZ sources say...
... "the smoke filling the bong is a natural herb called salvia which has psychedelic qualities." Indeed, definitely not based on personal experience, the freakish look on her face would suggest a salvia trip over a one-hit marijuana high.
Effects of the drug, which only lasts a few minutes, often include forgetting who you are or thinking you're going to die. Awesome, right? (For more stories, click here. or here.) Miley's trip, on the other hand, went more along the lines of "OMG hahahahah OMG hahahahaha OMG." Which is exactly how it should be.
What's that we hear, o'er yonder in the Valley? Ah, yes, the sound of 10,000 teenagers dialing up their dealers to beg for baggies of the hot new hallucinogen on the block, guaranteeing them their very own "Party in the U.S.A." Best of all, it's legal!
Here's the vid that shook L.A.:
Update: TMZ has received more anonymous reports (so yes, they could just be making all this crap up and sitting back/cackling as the nation oggles) that Miley's reps actually paid off some Cal Poly kid when he first came forward with the video:
Sources say Miley's camp sent a man in his 40s to the student's college campus in the San Luis Obispo area. The student gave the man his MacBook Pro which contained the "bong" video ... in return the man gave the student a new MacBook Pro. We're told no money changed hands, though we don't know why.
And we've learned ... Miley's camp did the same computer swap with another student who also had a copy of the video.
That's the thing about the Internet -- career-breaking evidence is way too easy to pass along to the next greedy leaker. And TMZ probably pays in cash, not Apple products.
Note to future Miley: Don't let anyone (ANYONE) stick a cell-phone camera in your face and leave it there. Especially if you're planning on taking bong hits of salvia and drooling all over the sofa anytime soon.
But just so you know, we kind of think you're way more awesome now, along with everyone else normal who isn't talking about this because they don't really care. Even if your dad definitely isn't one of them. (Come on, Billy Ray -- you were young once too, remember? No one grows a mullet like that without a little judgment-clouding hallucinogen on the brain.)