New York Shitty

NYC College Kids Outed As Human-Sized Bedbugs With Bad Haircuts

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Tue, Oct 19, 2010 at 2:37 PM

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In September, the Weekly began a hard-hitting investigation of all the ways New York City sucks compared to Los Angeles. Our findings were atrocious: Hordes of bedbugs, rats, possums and snakes ran rampant through NYC streets -- infesting backyards, toilet boils, Niketown and beyond.

But if soulless rodents with scary teeth aren't enough to drive you west, how about their human equivalents?

A recent e-mail sent to all business-school first-years in Columbia University's Investment Banking Club revealed that recruiters from New York firms had been complaining about the students' distinct lack of personal hygiene.

Recommendations included:

  • Brush your teeth regularly, or have a mint/mouth refreshers before going to recruiting events
  • Carry anti-perspirant with you if you are worried about sweating
  • Carry a sewing mini-toolkit, in case your suit hems need an emergency sewing
  • Professional haircuts
  • Women - wear (preferably skin colored) hosiery and always carry an extra pair in your bag

Most revolting of all, it seems male students had been sporting "tacky cufflinks or watches," sometimes gold and with "crazy patterns." A few more self-aware specimens may have even tried to exterminate themselves: "Don't wear too much cologne/perfume," warns the e-mail.

This was the IBC board's kind way of informing its rookies that a job offer is much less likely when you show up to your interview covered in a rancid film of sweat from the all-nighter you pulled in preparation.

We could have told you that, New York.

If nothing else, it gives us new appreciation for the clean, orderly Asian boys and girls infesting the Westwood area. At least UCLA students know when to waste water on a 20-minute shower.

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