The Psychology Behind Sex With Strangers & Why Women (Secretly) Want It
You met along train tracks. Who needs names?
Sex with a stranger often falls in everyone's top 5 fantasy list, but odds are it holds a particularly significant standing in women's lustful wish list. I'm not talking rape scenarios -- that's got its own special spot in many of our minds -- but simple no-strings-attached fucking with someone you don't know, don't care to find out, and will never see again.
And it goes beyond the turn-on of acting like a slut in secret -- there's more to this imaginary sex scenario than being "dirty" and doing something your parents, pastors and house cats would disapprove of.
Dr. Hernando Chaves, a Beverly Hills psychotherapist and clinical sexologist, told AfterDarkLA that there are more aspects to this fantasy than meet the eye, including sense of danger, empowerment and letting go of control.
"For most, the rush of dopamine and other neurotransmitters can be an intoxicating rush, for some even compulsive," Chaves said. "It's an accessible fantasy that is within reach and able to be lived out. For many people, taboo sexual desires are sexually charging and can amplify the erotic mind's desire for increased pleasure and sexual fulfillment."
Yup, totally. I was originally inspired to investigate the appeal of sexual activity with a stranger after an offer to take part in a one-sided encounter with no reciprocation expected turned me on more than I expected.
Chaves recognizes the hook up, or one-night-stand, ideal that most people feel -- especially those recently out of a relationship or with baggage from past jilts. Having sex with someone purely for the satisfaction of both physical pleasure and the ability to say "See ya" afterward often is the perfect solution to post-breakup stress. And though I am recently out of an unfortunate partnership, my desire had nothing to do with rebounding. (I can do that anytime I like.)
"Sex with a stranger can be used as a way to relinquish control," Chaves said. "People often find it difficult to allow themselves to express their sexual needs with people they know for fear of judgment or insecurity. A stranger can alleviate feelings of judgment, acknowledgement of behaviors that may be contradictory to their moral upbringing, and feelings of insecurity. In a sense, if no one knows, it's OK as a person can suppress or avoid the self-judgment and feelings of guilt or disappointment."
For me, handing over the steering wheel to a complete stranger -- one who I've determined as capable of doing all kinds of good things without instruction -- has everything to do with handing over control.
As an alpha female it's a rare breath of fresh air to be in the company of a man who's got the confidence -- and the balls -- to take the lead, whether it be at the grocery store or in the bedroom. And the mere thought of a gentleman being utterly knowledgeable and eager to please (not in a sissy way) makes me just a little bit wet.
Just pick one. Nothing else matters.
I'm fortunate not to hold the fear of judgment of immoral behavior, but I'm a rare case. However, knowing you're in a situation in which you can simply enjoy anything and everything that comes your way (pun intended) carefree enables you to let go of any inhibitions that may have gotten in the way previously.
There's no worry about how your body might look folded in half or if your anonymous partner might be skeeved out by your hammer toe. Because you're there to fuck and there's no room for that self-conscious nonsense -- you're never going to speak again, and your only expectations are erotic ones. That's the true beauty of stranger sex.
"Typically, female sexual fantasies and expression is more focused on partner satisfaction, emotionality, connection and intimacy," Chaves said. "Sex with a stranger can help a person leave these ideals behind and can open the door to focus on the physical act, pleasure and experimentation. It can offer an experience that has the potential for the person to focus on herself, her needs, and alleviate the pressure of partner satisfaction or performance worries, leading to more fulfilling sexual experiences."
Amen. So ladies, next time you have the chance to take part in an anonymous encounter think outside the box. Take the opportunity to explore your own boundaries with a (hopefully) capable partner with whom, quite frankly, the outcome doesn't fucking matter.
As long as you're doing precisely what you want and within the comfort level provided by the freedom of judgment, there's not a whole lot you can regret.
But only swallow if he deserves it.
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