Positions on Positions #87
As a man, there are several lines of masculinity you vow never to cross in your life. Never cry in front of your son, never laugh at a “Cathy” cartoon, never eat something that wasn't prepared by a woman. And somewhere down the list is never having sex with your feet in the air.
That last one rarely comes into play, as being a breathing, thrusting male usually precludes sexual positioning that actually pins your hips. Which brings us to the Reverse Amazon. Much like its eight-feet tall, softball-shouldered namesake, the Amazon chuckles in the face of manhood. The man is laid on his back with his knees tucked in, heels resting comfortably on invisible exam table stirrups. The woman takes it from there, and I mean that in every single way.
If you're going to take away entry point and view, at least give us control, right? Nope. Not here. This is the kind of position you'll get as punishment the next time you blow your children's college fund on underage Vietnamese prostitutes. Hey, at least they let you on top!
Once again Ross and I agree. Someone, weave us a pair of matching friendship bracelets, quick! I'm not a fan of seeing the man I'm with put himself in helpless-child pose in bed. (Hey – I think I just made up a new yoga pose!) I like him to take control because, let's face it, it will probably be the only thing he'll be able to do without my help.
The plus for this position could come into play one night when you're at a fabulous party. And when I say "you", I clearly don't mean you, Ross. I'm talking about the general public. You're at this party, you've had one or three too many when Mr. OK chats you up and buys you yet another drink. You bring him back to your place, where the lighting is a lot more...sobering, and you see what you've gotten yourself into.
This is where this position would be a life saver. You can't see that weird-colored mole on his face he should probably get checked out, or the plate-sized nipple that is infected from a recent piercing. And best of all, you will never have the image of his manneries [EDITOR'S NOTE: Also fondly referred to as moobs. Most often by this editor] bouncing around burned deeply into your psyche. In this instance, I highly recommend you suggest The Reverse Amazon. Or anything starting with "reverse" should work well for you.
Unless you're in the above situation, I don't know what would compel a couple to try this position. Unless, of course, they were assigned it by a sadistic editor who obviously wants to ruin their sex lives.
OK, can I start?
Ross: I start!
Tatiana: Whatever. Start...big fat baby.
Ross: I start because you wrote the second column. IT'S STANDARD ORDER.
No need to yell.
Ross: It's fun yelling, not-dad-hitting-mom yelling.
All I want to say is that I'm relieved to see that we agree.
But what about girls who don't make regular practice out of hooking up with missing links with Godzilla nipples? Do they get a review, too?
Nah…They shouldn't be reading this column.
So this is standard issue for ladies?
Sure. Most of them.
Wait, so how often do you hook up with someone you're embarrassed about?
Well...I haven't recently, I have a boyfriend now, and I'm wiser. But there have been times. As you know, lighting is a wonderful thing for the less-than-beautiful.
Rings on the trunk will always make you wiser. Look, beds come with sheets for a reason. Some things were never meant to be seen. Like me from the waist down. It's just a national nightmare.
That must make your love-making difficult. Do you request the lights be completely turned off, like a teenage girl?
No, no. See, after a while, you start to put together a smooth system for getting the lights off. My Fonz move is feigning a wild bout of passion and knocking every light source to the ground. Eyyyy…
I would have never thought to use the word “smooth” when discussing your sex life. But that move of yours must get expensive!
And stop me if it's never gone past the first time, but...what happens if you get into a relationship, and the woman catches on? She's eventually gonna be curious about what's down there.
Okay. Well I'm going to go try this out with my boyfriend – with all the lights on – and report back.
Contact Tatiana at firstname.lastname@example.org.
Get the This Week's Top Stories Newsletter
Every week we collect the latest news, music and arts stories — along with film and food reviews and the best things to do this week — so that you’ll never miss LA Weekly's biggest stories.