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Now, I Tell You What

I. Heaven

Now, if it were me, I‘d go with the blue. But here’s what I can do. I can go talk to my manager, explain the situation. I‘ll tell him how you’re still interested in the gray at the price we agreed on this morning, but now you‘ve thought about it some more and you’re thinking about going with the blue. And then we‘ll see what kind of mood he’s in, how low he‘s willing to go.

Now, the sticker on the blue is about 15 more than the gray, but that doesn’t mean anything. That‘s just the sticker.

Now, before you decide, I’ll tell you what. Most people who go with the gray will come back a year later and say, ”You know what? I wish I‘d have gone with the blue one, like you said. The blue one with the puffy white clouds and a light breeze and no mosquitoes. Just like you said.“

Now, don’t get me wrong. The gray carries the same warranty as the blue. But if you do decide to spend a little more, you might be happier in the long run. Sunsets, for example -- and you know how the ladies like their sunsets -- come standard on the blue. And then palm trees. I don‘t know if I mentioned, but the trees in the gray package are mostly what we call dee-SID-you-us trees, which is a fancy way of saying that, come wintertime, they’ll divest their leaves. Of course, when you shift back into springtime, they‘ll look just as green as the ones you saw in the showroom.

Now, that said, I gotta tell you, if it were me -- honestly? -- I’d go with the blue. But I can‘t decide for you. You have to do what feels right for you. It’s a win-win situation.

Now, you just relax and finish your coffee while I go talk to my manager, and then I‘ll come back and we’ll see where we are.

II. Earth

Now, I just spoke with my fleet manager about your offer, and here‘s what he came up with. We can get you into the deluxe relationship, with pathologically conciliatory discussions and fawning oral sex 12 to 16 times a week. That’ll continue for three months or 192 orgasms, whichever comes first. Then we‘ll decrease the sex to no more than 6 times a week, at which time you and your mate will begin to retract your first three months’ statements of Undying Love, which retraction will take one year. At the end of the year, you‘ll file Hatred Claims with each other’s friends and families, and then either return the relationship in its original condition and get a 20 percent discount on a new one, or continue the relationship at the same rate but with sex no more than monthly. How does that sound?

Now, before you decide, since you have good credit, I can probably get you a discount if you agree to post sexually explicit photographs of yourself on our Web site. Why don‘t you just relax and finish your coffee while I go talk to my manager, and then I’ll come back and we‘ll see where we are.

III. Miracles

Now, down here at the bottom: If you’re planning on going with the basic sperm-egg union, with one child per litter, there‘s not much financial assistance available. But if you’re willing to invest in some fertility chemicals and pound out a litter of, say, five or more li‘l miracles -- and here in the States, infants and children are miracles, adults are not -- we can book you on Jerry and Roseanne and Maury and Oprah and Montel and Leeza and Fox 11 News, which should cover your expenses for the first five years, after which, if you’re running low on margarita money, for instance, you could sell or donate one or two of them -- we have a list of sweatshops in my manager‘s office -- and still keep three or four for yourself. Why don’t you go ahead and have some more coffee and think about that while I go talk to my manager. And then I‘ll come back and we’ll see where we are.

Now, in 1968, cinema-verite pioneers Albert and David Maysles and Charlotte Zwerin accompanied hard-charging Bible salesmen James ”The Rabbit“ Baker, Paul ”The Badger“ Brennan, Charles ”The Gipper“ McDewitt and Raymond ”The Bull“ Martos as they invaded homes in Boston, Chicago and Miami. The result was Salesman, 90 minutes of sheer horror that should clear up any questions you might have about the religion of Sales. To prepare for Salesman‘s next appearance on cable or at your local revival house, go to the Millionaire Makers’ tribute to sales-verite pioneer Og Mandino (www.bsuccessful.comog.htm) for some antidigestional excerpts from the late Og‘s humbly titled The Greatest Secret in the World.