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Never Hook Up With a Taurus

Your Crap Archivist brings you the finest in forgotten and bewildering crap culled from L.A.'s thrift stores, estate sales and flea markets.

Title: Astro-Sexology by Arnold Silverman (1970)

Publisher: Award Books, New York

Discovered at: Harmony or Counterpoint Books, 5911 Franklin Ave.

The cover promises: "Astrology can help you become a more sensual man or woman!"

The Counterpoint and Harmony bookshops sit on the liveliest block on Franklin Avenue. Your Crap Archivist ducked into Harmony recently, partly to avoid the line of Upright Citizens Brigade attendees choking the sidewalk, but mostly due to the promise of lunatic paperbacks and old circus programs.

I was not disappointed.

Astro-Sexology author Arnold Silverman says it's "the science that attempts to relate the principles of astrology to those of psychoanalysis," which means he examines each sign's anal, genital and latent periods. At last we can see that our romantic relationships succeed or fail not just on the basis of our birth month, but how much we enjoyed potty training.

Here's a sign-by-sign breakdown. Key take-away: Avoid brushing against Capricorns' knees.

Aries: March 21-April 19

Aries men have a need for instant gratification [that makes] them somewhat unconcerned with the quality of erotic fulfillment their partners receive. ... Aries women share this tendency toward rapid erotic arousal, however it is not a problem ... as it enables them to closely approximate the sexual stimulation pattern of men, which thus permits them to achieve simultaneous orgasm.

Taurus: April 20-May 20

Taurus is the [sign] most prone to high incidence of frigidity in women and impotence in men. ... Taureans ... possess great physical endurance when making love and, with the right partners, are capable of being extremely passionate. [However] Taurus people tend to be clumsy and unimaginative in their erotic techniques.

Gemini: May 21-June 20

People born under the influence of Gemini frequently do not achieve total gratification from their erotic encounters because of their inability to involve themselves emotionally. ... Among couples where both ... were born under the afflicted influence of Gemini, wife-swapping and husband-swapping are not infrequent.

Cancer: June 21-July 22

Cancerian women experience more than the usual amount of sexual arousal when their partners stimulate their breasts during foreplay because their chests are both erogenous and astroerogenous zones.

Leo: July 23-Aug. 22

Leoan males are generally considered passionate lovers, but sometimes they allow their physical passions to dominate their relations with women and show very little interest in the personalities and intellect of their partners. ... Not infrequently, women of Leo's influence set standards for manhood that are unrealistic....

Virgo: Aug. 23-Sept. 22

Most Virgo children have the type of personality endowments that react to toilet training in such a way as to retard creativity. In its sexual aspects, this lack of creativity is manifested through the tendency to be unimaginative in their approach to lovemaking.

Libra: Sept. 23-Oct. 22

Librans ... are known for their strong sex drive and passionate nature, which makes them arousing and stimulating lovers. ... Many Libra people find that oral eroticism in adult sexuality enables them to recapture some of the erotic pleasure they experienced during their early childhood.

Scorpio: Oct. 23-Nov. 21

Scorpio [infants] asserted themselves and expressed their aggressiveness by biting. This ability to bite and cause pain gave them a small amount of dominance over those around them. Sexually, the need for dominance ... is found in their tendency to choose sex partners who are docile and willing to submit to the powerful and frequently selfish Scorpio passions and desires.

Sagittarius: Nov. 22-Dec. 21

Unfortunately, many men ... ejaculate long before Sagittarian women achieve orgasm. This problem may be overcome if Sagittarian women choose men whose birth signs have endowed them with great endurance.

Capricorn: Dec. 22-Jan. 19

Capricorns are sexually passive and generally submit themselves to sexual relations rather than participate. ... Because of their sensitivity in the knees, it would be a good idea for Capricorn people to [press] them firmly against the bodies of their sex partners just prior to orgasm.

Aquarius: Jan. 20-Feb. 18

[Aquarians] are guilty of not paying close attention to details. This is especially dangerous for those ... who are using birth control devices.

Pisces: Feb. 19-March 20

For some Pisces men, the inability to act out the role of the dominant male makes them feel sexually unsuited to manhood and they desire to participate in the dependent role of women. Thus, they seek strong, assertive, he-man type homosexuals who treat them in the same way a man treats a girlfriend or wife.


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