In Service to the Patron Saint of Cirrhosis
|Illustration by Mitch Handsone|
My senior research coordinator, Chlamydia Pines, came up with the idea of using a coffee mug as an ersatz microphone stand for our DS-330 digital voice recorder. Specifically, an unassuming 1989 Peets white ceramic mug, which has just the right interior diameter to hold the recorder at a 20-degree angle optimal inclination for unobtrusive tabletop conversation theft and just the right height so that the DS-330s little red record light peeks out over the top, visible, even to drugged-out, half-crazed merrymakers, from a fair and balanced 20 paces.
Armed with our mug of voice-pilfering paraphernalia, Chlamydia and I did spend our nations annual day of alcohol worship, St. Patricks, in as many public dens of decay as would have us, and the ensuing fortnight meticulously transcribing eight hours of recordings, so that we could furnish you with the following pop quiz.
Each of the statements below was committed by an authentic drug-crazed lunatic. Circle the drug(s) you believe to be most responsible. The correct answers are at the end.
1. The Cat and Fiddle, Hollywood, 6:30 p.m. Whats that youre reading? A menu? Is that any good? Huh. Ill have to check that out sometime. Yeah, my dad took me to a restaurant once, when I was a kid. I think they had menus there. Do you have parents? Just two?! Thats funny! Ill have to remember that! Ha-ha. So do you have a boyfriend?
a. Bass Ale
b. Guinness Stout
c. Veuve Cliquot Demi-Sec
d. Mickeys Malt Liquor
2. Mar Vista Lanes, Mar Vista, 7:25 p.m.
Excuse me! Hi! I couldnt help but notice that youre bowling! Ive always wanted to learn to do that. Ive been coming here for years, but I still havent worked up the courage. Have you ever had group sex?
b. Bud Light
c. Miller Light
d. Johnnie Walker Red
e. Uncle Ottos Weiss Beer
3. Le Sex Shoppe, Sherman Oaks, 9:10 p.m. Wow thats just like the one they used in Café Flesh! Hey have you ever seen The Road to Wellville? Its really good. Or maybe not that good, but I liked it. I hope youll excuse my asking, in a porno store and all, but would you and your friend care to join me next door for a beer?
a. Miller Genuine Draft
b. Miller Lite
c. Miller Genuine Draft Light
d. Orval Trappist Ale
e. Goatskin o Vermouth
4. The Barrel, Sherman Oaks, 9:15 p.m. Yeah, I like beer. And porno stores. Sometimes I drink it out of a bottle the beer, that is sometimes a can. Thats when Im at home, watching pornos. When I go out, like now, I drink beer from a glass. Thats so weird that were all drinking beer from glasses, even though weve barely met. Have either of you ever been in a porno? I had a small part in The Worlds Biggest Gang Bang.
a. Miller Genuine Draft
b. Jamesons Irish Whiskey
c. Robitussin Maximum Strength
5. Nuart Theater lobby, 10:10 p.m.
Hey! Remember me! From back in 83? Or was it 84? At My Breakfast With Blassie? At the back? Behind the guy with the Mohawk? Yeah! Whatve you been up to?
a. Sanwald Weizenbier
b. Vicks 44
c. Sierra Nevada Pale Ale
d. Fosters Special Bitter
e. James Squire Pilsener
6. Reno Room, Long Beach, 10:53 p.m. Man, I cant believe its almost 11 already. You hungry or anything? Wanna get out of here? We could go . . . I dunno, maybe . . . somewhere. Something must be open. Shit. Where could we go? Wait a minute. No. What about? No. Hm. Shit.
a. Bass Ale
b. Rolling Rock
e. Cripple (cream soda and Ripple)
7. 7-Eleven parking lot, Long Beach, 11:04 p.m.
Motherfucker! Fuck the fucking fuck! Fuck! Fuck!
b. Bud Ice
c. Bud Light
d. Bud Ice Light
e. Pabst Blue Ribbon
8. Highland Grounds, Los Angeles, 11:46 p.m. Happy St. Patricks Day. Im gonna go make out by the fire pit. Feel free to join me.
a. McEwans India Pale Ale
b. Double latte
c. Hot buttered TheraFlu
d. Soju Kamikaze
e. Silver Ridge Petit Sirah
9. Ralphs or Vons Supermarket, Los Angeles, 1:18 a.m. Now thats an attractive chicken! Do you have chickens at home? Me neither! Thats so weird! Steven and Judith have chickens, but we dont. Weird. I used to paint pictures of chickens for a living, until I met Nikki. She lived up in Santa Clarita, with chickens. Noisy-ass chickens. Im sure glad I dont live with chickens. Man, oh, man.
a. Andre Cold Duck
b. Carlo Rossi Chablis
c. Coors Light
d. Newcastle Brown Ale
e. Michelob Honey Lager
10. The Palms Bar, West Hollywood, 1:52 a.m.
What say we go get some breakfast? I know a great all-night diner just down the block. I dont suppose you like your eggs fertilized . . .
a. Robitussin Honey Flu
b. Makers Mark
c. Bud Light
d. Southwark Black Ale
Answers: 1. a, e; 2. a, b, d; 3. b, e; 4. a, b, c, d, e; 5. c; 6. b, d, e; 7. e; 8. d; 9. a, c; 10. a, e.previous columns:
03/12/04 Wholesome Paternal Story02/27/04 The Legend of Jesus of Crawford02/18/04 The Abruti Ploy01/30/04 The Shit Less Taken
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