"He Shouldn't Have Changed His Nose"
Ranters: Stout 50-ish man in black suit and straw hat; slender 40-ish woman in dark tracksuit. [These ranters appeared previously in Amazing Rants, discussing on that occasion how unlikely it is that fornicators or wealthy people will make it to heaven.]
Location: 81 bus headed south on Figueroa
Time: 11:15 p.m. on a Thursday
Topics covered: The responsibilities of anesthesiologists, death as a windfall, the difference between God and anesthesiologists, men who cry, the tricky practical considerations that go into a Michael Jackson Halloween costume, that skin-whitening disease, the purposefulness of seemingly vain and ill-considered behavior
Does rant include advice on who you should and should not fuck with? Yes
Man: He locked Michael down in sleep, and he didn't wake him up. That's the problem. He gave him the anesthesia — La Toya was saying this — he gave him the anesthesia and then he didn't bring him back.
Woman: He shouldn't have been doing it.
Man: Everybody's got their own habits. It's not his fault. If he's got an addiction problem, the doctors still got to wake him up. Why else have a doctor there?
Woman: That's what makes me suspicious. He's worth more dead than alive. How do we know somebody didn't—
Man: God put Adam to sleep and fashioned woman from his rib. But then God woke him up.
Woman: They're making more money off of that mother. I heard $270 million.
Man: That's what La Toya was saying.
Woman: We saw all them Africans on TV. Grown men crying. I don't know what they were saying. I don't care.
Man: I know what they were saying. Everybody loved Michael. The good thing out of this is people have stopped messing with him now. People respect him now, like they should.
Woman: Every boy in America dressed up as Michael that year. I saw one woman, a black woman, she dressed up her son and painted his face white. Someone should whoop her ass.
Man: He went white because of that disease he got, vitiligo universalis. He wore the one glove, too, because of it. Everything about him, there's a reason with Michael. It's not just some crazy like people say.
[Woman looks skeptical.]
Man: Everything he did, like the tank he slept in, he had to do that because of the disease.
[Woman shakes her head. Man laughs.]
Man: He shouldn't have changed his nose, though.
Get the Weekly Newsletter
Our weekly feature stories, movie reviews, calendar picks and more - minus the newsprint and sent directly to your inbox.