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Five Places to F*ck When It's So F*cking Hot

Who's ready to frolic?

Who's ready to frolic?

Perhaps you've noticed, it's really hot outside. Like, this fucking hot.

Temperatures are creeping into to the low hundreds throughout the United States with swampy bouts of humidity in all the places where that kind of shit happens. And while most civilized Americans are currently hunkered inside of their shaded, air-conditioned homes and offices, scurrying between temperature controlled environs like nervous mice and waiting to venture outdoors until after sundown, the rest of us poor savages are lying on the floors of our apartments in our underwear, (not even the nice ones), sitting in front of low-output fans, intermittently taking cold showers and sweating our collective balls off. It's gross and uncomfortable and clearly too toasty for intimate contact with another human being, lest both parties end up nearing a sex-induced heatstroke and scrambling for electrolytes.

With the national forecast proclaiming that "warm weather will continue to be the biggest story through the end of the work week," the maintenance of your sex life demands cool locales at which to get it on. We suggest:

Movie Theaters: Movie theaters are traditionally chilly, despite whatever oven of Satan-type heat index conditions are buckling the asphalt out in the parking lot. Grab your partner and two tickets to a matinee, (Magic Mike -- perfect. That Katy Perry thing -- sure. Brave -- questionable, pervert), and out of the way seats in the dark back row corner and go to town as central air-induced goosebumps play across your skin.

Your Car: Even if your pad doesn't have air-conditioning, chances are good that your whip does. Park it somewhere discreet, (ramp, dirt road, your parents' driveway), blast the AC and make your way to the backseat for some super chill, semi-public lovemaking.

Your naked flesh is going to look amazing under those fluorescent lights.

Your naked flesh is going to look amazing under those fluorescent lights.

The Library: Playing both to your keen intellect and your longstanding librarian fantasies (what?), the back stacks of any cavernous biblioteca will do well to host a hot/cold smarty-pants, (minus the pants), tryst. Points for getting it on in the erotic fiction section.

Pools: "But I don't have a pool you bougie asshole," you're protesting. Get creative. Many public pools offer night swimming hours and any big box store sells plastic kiddie pools that can be filled up in an hour for a wet, midday cool down quickie. Hell, you can do it in the plastic pool aisle of the big box store for all I care. Those places are always temperate. A lake, ocean, forest stream or particularly hard-driving sprinkler will also suffice.

Most Any Public Restroom: Unless you're in some areas of Appalachia, museums, malls, fast food restaurants and airports are always air conditioned. Slip into a bathroom stall with your partner and get it on while the clueless public relieves itself around you. While this is clearly not glamourous, (unless you're in a Nordstrom's Rack or something), it is functional, cool, relatively private and rife with the erotic sizzle created by the possibility of getting caught.

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