Diary of an L.A. Douche: How to Pick Up a Porn Star

A friend and I were discussing making a list. A list meant to inform the world of the elements, accoutrements and accessories necessary in order to pick up a porn star and bring her to your home/backseat/utility closet.

We thought it would be our way of giving something back to the community we've taken so very much from - kind of a public service for souls poorer than us, since we both have extensive experience and expertise in this particular area of study.

We started brainstorming.

"Cocaine," he said half joking. "Give her some coke."

"Yes, that's easily No. 1 on the list," I concurred. "Just about any drug will do. Weed and ecstasy work just fine."

Then we had a simultaneous realization. This list is in fact a list of one single item.

Drugs.

We quickly decided this short list, though important, wouldn't make for an interesting read:

Top Ways To Pick Up A Porn Star

Diary of an L.A. Douche: How to Pick Up a Porn Star

    1. Always carry drugs. Particularly cocaine, ecstasy and/or weed.

See, you've already finished reading it.

Although you're more knowledgeable than you were five seconds ago, it's doubtful you feel enriched and/or ready to go out and change the world.

However, you do know how to pick up a porn star. There's really nothing else I can tell you, except where to find them and how not to get herpes. (Condom.) The rest of the leg work is yours.

Certainly, it also helps to be a dashing and charming young gentleman like myself, but I can't turn you into me. What I can do is give you this fool-proof method: buy some drugs and distribute them liberally when you find a porn star in the wild.

The only thing a porn star likes better than drugs is sex and money, which reminds me - it will also help your cause if you have money.

However, drugs always trump money in the simplistic, short-term thinking of the porn star. Not only should you distribute them liberally, you should also make sure you don't run out.

Remember: Like a boy scout, you are always prepared.

This method has worked too many times to count.

Now, despite what you've probably dreamed, this woman is not one you're going to change and she's not someone you want to take home to your mother.

In most cases, she's going to be a hot mess - wild, crazy and not particularly bright. Her ambitions don't go beyond getting paid to fuck some guy and having a good time.

Her dreams have not been shattered because she's never had any. She likes attention, sleeping until 11 and Hello Kitty.

So call your dealer, get out there, find that porn star and change the world, because that's the only sort of enrichment you're going to get from this vault of enlightenment.

You're welcome.


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