LA Weekly

I. Story is researched, written, edited and copyedited.

SCIENTISTS GENETICALLY ALTER AESTHETICS

Bachman Institute Claims Dramatic Breakthrough

By Geese Taylor

Benign-Gazette Science & Technology Writer

According to a study published in The Bachman Journal of Abstract Genomics, scientists at the Bachman Institute’s Human Genome Laboratory have successfully altered the aesthetic judgments of a 32-year-old human schoolteacher by introducing genetic material from prominent deceased comedian Bill Hicks (1961–1994).

The effects on Virginia Monzel of Glendale, Kentucky, were dramatic and immediate. Monzel claims that prior to the procedure she “intentionally consumed over 600 hours of Gallagher, Jerry Fallwell, Donald Trump, Anna Nicole Spears [sic] and so on,” annually. After the procedure, Monzel says her interest in popular entertainment aimed at pre-adolescents has “disappeared.”

The technique’s developers, Drs. Milton Ellword Shrewfist and Lillian Effen Reese, had been studying Hicks’ DNA since 1998, working to isolate its powerful organic immunity to “the effects of Carrot Top, Madonna, Karl Rove and their cultural aspirants.”

Drs. Reese and Shrewfist have patented their Aesthetics-Receptor Transgenics (ART) procedure and hope to secure funding that would provide free implementation to needy Americans by 2012. The ART procedure itself takes only 20 minutes to perform.

Hicks, an American comedian, rose to mainstream fame in England in the early 1990s but remained largely unknown in the United States.


II. Story is edited for Benign-Gazette style.

DEAD COMEDIAN HAS LAST LAUGH

Aesthetic Alterations a Genetics First

By Geese Taylor

Benign-Gazette Science & Technology Writer

According to a study published in The Bachman Journal of Abstract Genomics, scientists at the Bachman Institute’s Human Genome Laboratory have successfully altered the aesthetic judgments of a 32-year-old human by introducing genetic material from an obscure deceased comedian.

Using expensive technology provided by the Bachman Institute’s Human Genome Laboratory, scientists Milton Ellword Shrewfist and Lillian Effen Reese stapled DNA from the remains of William Melvin “Bill” Hicks (1961–1994) to the brain of Virginia Monzel, a 32-year-old elementary school teacher and church activist in Glendale, Kentucky.

Monzel claims that while before the procedure she spent her leisure hours enjoying America’s finest entertainers, she now feels as if her own life is somehow more important and has taken to reading books written by dead people.

Drs. Reese and Shrewfist have patented their Aesthetics-Receptor Transgenics (ART) procedure and are seeking investors from within the progressive science community. They have been studying the little-known entertainer’s DNA since 1998 for unknown reasons. Neither Dr. Reese nor Dr. Shrewfist is particularly attractive.


III. Story is re-edited by CEO’s niece and nephew.

REVISIONIST SCIENTISTS THREATEN FAN BASE

Terror Suspects at Center of Controversy

By Geese Taylor

Benign-Gazette Science & Entertainment Writer

This is not the first time that the Bachman Institute’s Human Genome Laboratory has had legal difficulties. Transferring genetic material from an obscure deceased comedian to change the judgment of an American schoolteacher has landed progressive activists Milton Ellword Shrewfist and Lillian Effen Reese right smack dab in the middle of a big lawsuit. Attorneys representing America’s favorite philosopher/comedian Gallagher have joined attorneys representing Lindsay Lohan, Carrot Top, Paris Hilton, Reverend Jerry Fallwell, Madonna, Donald Trump and others in —

. . . Have you ever heard of knocking? Jesus! What are you doing? No, this is mine. Uncle Dennis said I could do the science one this time. You’re supposed to work on the Scooter Libby one. I’m almost done. Just let me finish this, and then I’ll drive you to the mall.

I will, okay? But first just let me finish this. This is the last one.

I don’t care what Dad said! Uncle Dennis told me to do this one! Okay?! But first you have to shut up, okay?!

Thank you.

No, just leave it open. I’ll be out in a minute. Fuck . . .

Attorneys representing America’s favorite philosopher/comedian Gallagher have joined attorneys representing Lindsay Lohan, Carrot Top, Paris Hilton, Reverend Jerry Fallwell, Madonna, Donald Trump and others in suing the activist scientists for $400 million in pre-retropunitive damages . . . period. The end.

And save . . . copy . . . paste . . . and send . . .

Okay! I’m ready!


IV. Story is re-edited for Benign-Gazette style and published.

REBEL SCIENTISTS THREATEN FAN BASE

$400 Million Judgment Sought

By Geese Taylor

Benign-Gazette Religion & Entertainment Writer

Have you ever heard of knocking? My goodness! What are you doing? No, this is mine! Uncle Dennis said I could do the science one this time. You’re supposed to work on the politics one.

I’m almost done. Just let me finish this, and then I’ll drive you to the mall.

I will, as soon as I finish this. This is the last one.

I don’t care what Dad said; Uncle Dennis told me to do this one, okay?! But first you have to shut up!

Okay? Thank you.

No, just leave it open. I’ll be out in a minute. Heck . . .