Baconlube (aka Naughty Bacon) Finally Exists. Just in Time for Christmakwanzakah.
"Be a bacon LOVER."
Many of you may remember when the Internet exploded with excitement and share buttons when word of a bacon-flavored lubricant broke onto the scene last year. Carnivores and nymphos alike scoured the interwebs to discover where this miracle elixir could be purchased.
But all you ended up with were bacon blue balls.
That's because it was a clever April Fool's prank pulled by J&Ds, a company that's in the business of bacon-izing as many things as humanly possible. They're the brains behind Bacon Salt, Baconnaise and Bacon Lip Balm in case you were curious.
But when thousands of eager emails and desperate phone messages flooded their customer service center weeks later, the two owners, Justin and Dave, realized they needed to make something happen - fast. The American public (and probably some horny dudes in England) demanded bacon lube and J&Ds was going to bring it to their bedrooms.
Or basements, we suppose, depending on their relationship status and creep factor.
fluid fluent in lube-speak and hold cool-kid status in the adult product biz. But so far none of our cronies and colleagues in the U.S. (J&Ds says baconlube is made in America) know who makes this water-based concoction and not one domestic lube-maker that we know will admit to it. Damn those NDAs.
What we DO know is that the lube is compatible with all sex toys, as it's made with a water base rather than silicone, which also makes it not only edible but possibly even palatable. First thought: "Ew." Fifth thought: "Maybe, OK. But you're buying."
And apparently this stuff can be slathered all over yourself as a massage oil, which sounds almost as pleasant and delicious as pouring it into our vaginas.
It's also vegan-friendly, interestingly enough, so there's no actual bacon or pork byproduct included in the ingredients list. This flavor was developed synthetically, and who knows how bacon-y it actually tastes.
But who cares? What better a stocking stuffer, white elephant gift, or surprise for your parents than a bottle of goo that may or may not taste like the "other" white - or pink or brown - meat? (The original white/pink/brown meat being cock - see what we did there?)
J&Ds claims there was only a small amount of this stuff made so get it while supplies last, assuming there's even any of it left.
Get the Weekly Newsletter
Our weekly feature stories, movie reviews, calendar picks and more - minus the newsprint and sent directly to your inbox.