5 Valentine's Day Surprises That'll Get You Laid - For the Ladies
There's less than a week til that holiday we love to hate and much of what makes Valentine's Day difficult to bear is the pressure put on guys to be "the man" and get their chicks some kind of boat or pony to show they love them fo' realz.
But spending big bucks on a present that may or may not make a difference is not in the picture for most of us these days, and honestly ladies -- you've gotta stop expecting your guy to do all the work.
So here are 5 affordable ways to show the guy of the moment (or the one you want to keep around for a while) that you care -- and that you're definitely interested in getting laid that night.
1. Role-play. With Costumes.
Ask any guy -- one of several ultimate fantasies involves his partner wearing some kind of get-up that resembles a super-hot female figure from pop culture (or real life). Some usual suspects? Princess Leia. Jessica Rabbit. Lara Croft from "Tomb Raider." Any character portrayed by Angelina Jolie.
Whatever his turn-on, try putting together an ensemble that gives him the right idea.
And if fantastical ladies aren't his bag, use the tried and true French maid or naked chef (with an apron for safety) idea. Don't make him wait until Halloween to see you wearing a sluttified version of an everyday outfit.
Food and sex -- believe it or not, they're up on there on guys' "want all the time" scale higher than oxygen and high-5's. And who wouldn't want to come home from work/play to find he's got a full meal waiting for him and he doesn't have to do a damn thing in order to eat it?
Figure out his favorite food and see if you're capable of making it. Surprise him with a nice spread (pun intended) and if you're feeling extra saucy (pun also intended) serve him wearing just an apron and a smile.
Make sure to drop a napkin more than once and give him a good show as your bend, twist and reach for it. And no need for dessert, as whatever he eats after he takes that last bite of steak is up to him.
3. Plan a Bedroom Adventure.
This takes a bit of time and thought, but if that's a problem for you, you might want to rethink your goals.
At this point you and your man probably have boned a few times and you might have picked up on a few of his favorite sex positions - and possibly a few he'd like to try but you haven't felt up for yet.
Show your man how much you want him -- and want to please him -- by rallying, stretching and prepping yourself for some selfless sex.
He'll love knowing you spent at least a few minutes thinking about exciting ways for him to fuck you and you to suck him, and if he sees some sexy accessories by the bed his boner will be at full mast before you touch your toes.
4. Practice Tantric Sex
You've read about it, seen Sting talk about it on Oprah, but it still seems like a completely fantastical act that only hippies and Grammy winners practice.
Here's a play-by-play first lesson for beginner Tantra triers. It's not as hard as it looks. (That's what she said?)
5. Use Sex Toys.
Yeah yeah, we all say we love sex toys, but chances are we probably haven't dived into the couples toy world as deeply as we probably should. There are apprehensions and nerves to bypass, and it's not always easy to get him in the mood using something with a whirring motor.
So how about getting a few sex toys that are made specifically for his pleasure that you also can use together? The Fleshlight and other masturbator sleeves make handjobs feel better than ever, and you can make eye contact and all kinds of sexy talk to each other as you slowly work him with your newly vagina-ized hand.
Or bring over a cock ring, especially one with a vibrator. This will make his cock and balls look even huger than they already do (ahem) and give him an extra-hard erection thanks to its blood flow control.
And with a vibrator you (aka your clitoris) gets some pleasure, too. Chances are that little vibrating cock ring might give you an enhanced orgasm as you're fucking, which will make you feel like a million bucks and him feel like a fucking STUD.
But if sex toys ain't your bag, pick up some special lube -- flavors can be fun -- or maybe some massage oil. That stuff is much easier to introduce to a sex toy phobe and are still hella fun to use together.
Just remember -- this sex toy shopping trip is for him. Remember that "Simpsons" episode in which Homer bought Marge a bowling ball for her birthday? Do you think he really purchased that gift with his blue-haired wife in mind? Nope.
So don't pull a Homer - leave the glitter, pink bows, and rhinestones for your own personal pussy time.
Get the This Week's Top Stories Newsletter
Every week we collect the latest news, music and arts stories — along with film and food reviews and the best things to do this week — so that you’ll never miss LA Weekly's biggest stories.