4 Better Things to Do in L.A. on Valentine's Day Besides F*$&ing

Hm. Seems next week is Valentine's Day. I was wondering why all the little cookies at the Korean coffee shop were suddenly pink. (You never know around Koreatown...pink baked goods simply could be salmon-flavor and have nothing to do with the holiday.)

2010 was a big transitional year for a lot of us, and 2011 has certainly arrived with a bang having left several impressions already. Budget cuts, political upheaval, the return of the McRib - it's been a big year already!

And I've found, through Facebook status updates and some conversations, that there's been serious evolution in people's love lives these days. Maybe there's been inspiration from the plethora of big-name Hollywood break-ups, or maybe people are just sick of pretending to be happy.

Either way, there are a LOT of single people 'round town this Valentine's Day (a Hallmark invention that has extended from just one day of lovey dovey stuff to an entire week) so I thought I'd offer up some alternative activities around the city. And fuck no, there won't be any "singles mixers" in the lineup.

4 Better Things to Do in L.A. on Valentine's Day Besides F*$&ing

1. Feb. 12 & 13 @ 1 p.m. -- The Naked at the Getty Scavenger Hunt

Outside. Wearing sleuth hats. Searching for boobs. It doesn't get any more appealing than that. Take a group of friends or random people you just met on OKCupid and head over to the gorgeous Getty Center to follow a series of clues and questions that leads you to various bits of artistic nudity around the museum. Not only will you get an eyeful of historic ladyparts, you'll also get a rare opportunity to watch the sunset over the City of Angels. But because this is a pseudo-anti VDay post, let's call it the City of Douchebags and Airheads.

Tickets are available HERE. It starts at 1 p.m., so get your rocks off early.

2. Feb. 14 @ 8 p.m. - Mortified's Doomed Valentine's Show

Mortified is a hilarious stage show that features regular people like you and pseudo-famous attractive folk like me reading journal entries, letters and other personal writings from childhood. The readings almost always involve some kind of embarrassing sex, masturbation or dating detail (or sexual education such as THIS) and this year's special VD show is all about the exploration/celebration of adolescent love lust and misery. And that description's taken from one of the producer's/horses' mouths, who happens to be sitting to my left.

Mortified is held at King King in Hollywood and you can get your tickets HERE. Get there before 7:30 to get a seat, else it'll be standing room only. So either get your acts together early or wear sneakers.

And in the chance that it sells out before the weekend's up, there are always a few tickets saved at the door so get there extra early. Or you can wait 'til their next show in March, which will be equally as funny/excruciatingly embarrassing/sex-filled, just less Valentines-y.

3. Whenever - Dinner @ Bazaar, SLS Hotel

Bazaar is an uber-trendy alternatively stylish restaurant at the SLS Hotel founded by award-winning chef José Andrés who has a lot of fun messing around with chemistry and ingredients to create a crazy menu filled with whimsy and wonder.

The menu is entirely tapas style, which lets you try a little of everything (and if you bring more friends, you have an excuse to order even more). You'll forget you're hating Valentine's Day as you taste zucchini air, nitrous oxide caipirinhas made tableside, and a slew of meat and veggie dishes each featuring at least one questionable ingredient that, once you taste it, makes total sense.

Try the foie gras cotton candy lolli pops and the modern olives. Trust me, I'm a doctor.

But make a reservation first to make sure you beat out the annoying couples wearing fancy shoes and fake smiles.

4. Feb. 12 @ 10 p.m. -- Electric Dreams Pajama Party @ Silent Movie Theater

The Cinefamily presents the Cinefama Pajama Party V for the ladies - NO BOYS ALLOWED - for the ultimate girls' night featuring movies, dancing and even some crafts.

Wait wait - don't go yet. "Electric Dreams" is a classic 1980s film featuring a soundtrack by Giorgio Moroder (say hello to synthed up beeps and boops) and follows a young man (ahem, nerd) who falls for his hot neighbor (played by Virginia Madsen). But (dun dun dunnnn) the chap's computer, Edgar, falls for her, too! Hijinks ensue!

And the director, Steve Barron, is the brains behind some of MTV's most memorable music videos (remember those?) including a-Ha's "Take On Me" and Dire Straits' "Money for Nothing."

Tickets are $8 if you wear PJs and $12 with plainclothes. If you're a member you get even cheaper rates. You can watch a trailer for "Electric Dreams" HERE in case you need more convincing.

SIDENOTE: The Cinefamily says they might bend the girls-only rule for guys in drag or particularly adorable sleepwear. Call ahead and see if your penis makes the cut.