14 Things You Should Never Say in Bed

I think if you ask someone during sex "Do you think you're going to come?" you should expect "Not now I'm not" to be the answer. Or another response might be, "Oh, I'm sorry; is this BORING YOU? Do you have someplace you need to be?" Because the question implies that you'd like whatever is transpiring to be over soon.

But a friend of mine had a more charitable take on it, saying, "I've said that to guys I'm blowing. That shit gets tedious." And she's right, it can get tedious. But personally, I consider asking for orgasm ETAs something you shouldn't actually say out loud. Whether such inquiries would anger or annoy you might depend on how sensitive you are, but there are other things said in the sack that aren't so open to debate in terms of appropriateness. And in terms of super-creepiness. I probed colleagues about the worst, most bonerkilling things they'd ever heard in bed. Here are some of our favorites from an informal poll:

General clueless bonerkill

(MTF) "Is it reaching the end of your CANAL?"

Do you want to fuck me, or do you want an x-ray of the proceedings?

(FTM) "I love the way your little hands feel on me."

(FTM) "My ex used to do it this way..."

I can't believe anyone would actually talk about their exes during sex, but I guess people

do. Most people appreciate a little direction in bed, but you don't need to include a

recommendation letter from past employers.

(MTF) "I was once told while having sex with a guy that it seemed like my paw paw

patch had 'gained weight.' I was like 'WHAT THE HELL DID YOU JUST SAY TO

ME?!' He explained that he noticed I had gained weight since he'd last seen me and

thought it had added some padding 'down there.'"

(MTF) "Nice, you're completely shaved. Like a child."

(MTF) Promised before trying to enter without a condom: "Just the tip."

(MTF) "Referring to my vagina as a perogy."

14 Things You Should Never Say in Bed

Euro bonerkill

Said with heavy Swiss accent: "I enter you now, yes?"

English major bonerkill

(MTF) During an enthusiastic blowjob: "This project you've undertaken is about to come

to fruition."

Creepy mommy bonerkill

(FTM) "Do me from behind, and call me mommy."

(MTF) "Mommy, I just pooped my diaper!"

Insane racist bonerkill

(black male to white female, in Southern slave voice): "Miss Christine, can I play with

your pretty white titties?"

Contributor's comment: "To this day, I don't know if he was trying to be funny or

wanted us to act out some racist role-playing scenario."

Postcoital bonerkill

(MTF) "Was 'junior' big enough for you?"

(MTF) after the condom broke: "Do you have teeth down there?"

Follow @Virginia Pelley and @AfterDarkLA on Twitter.


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