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Favorite Simpsons Neologisms 40 Rods to the Hogshead Grandpa Simpson says in episode 121, “A Star is Burns,” that his car gets 40 rods to the hogshead, which is about 0.00198413 miles per gallon, or 10.48 feet per gallon. BBBQ A variation of “BBQ.” Homer’s invitations in episode 133, “Lisa the Vegetarian,” read, “Come to Homer’s BBBQ. The extra B is for BYOBB.” When Bart asks what the extra “B” is for in “BYOBB,” Homer replies that it’s a typo. Blingwad Or, unclassified transformed matter. In episode 167, “The Itchy & Scratchy & Poochie Show,” Krusty the Clown says, “I oughta replace it right now with that Chinese cartoon with the robots that turn into . . . blingwads! But I’m a lazy, lazy man.” Car Hole A common man’s term for garage, coined by Moe Szyslak. While “car hole” appears only twice in the series itself, it is often used by fans to jokingly refer to a garage, or garage-like structure. The phrase first appears in a conversation between Moe and Homer wherein Moe ridicules Homer for his use of the overly formal word “garage.” Charlie Church Homer’s term for someone who regularly attends church, e.g. Ned Flanders. Another nickname given to Flanders by Homer was Churchy LaFemme. Drunkening The process of becoming drunken; this would be the gerund form of the pseudoverb “to drunken.” Moe tells Homer he’s late for his drunkening. Crisitunity A portmanteau combining the words “crisis” and “opportunity,” coined by Homer after Lisa tells him that the Chinese use the same word for both situations (imploring him to draw something positive out of being barred from Moe’s). Chewtality The Simpson family is arrested by a robot policewoman who uses a sticky spray of taffy to ensnare the family. Struggling amongst the taffy, Homer screams “Ahh! Police brutality,” and as he takes a bite out of the wad, adds “. . . and chewtality.” Chestal Of, or relating to, the chest. As in, “I’m all tense through the chestal area!” from episode 110, “Bart’s Girlfriend.” The word “chestal,” in this sense, first became popular in the 1960s when Woody Allen used it in one of his stand-up comedy routines. Also used: “neckal.”

—Bryan Gardiner

Top 10 Numbers of 2005 1. 1492 2. 1776 3. 1929 4. 1099 5. 1040 6. 1024 7. 768 8. 43 9. 1,000,000 10. 10

—Dave Shulman

Celebrity Atheists Notable public figures (living and dead) who have denied the existence of God or gods. Isaac Asimov David Attenborough Clive Barker Marlon Brando Richard Branson Fidel Castro Dick Cavett Chumbawamba David Cross Rodney Dangerfield Brian Eno Roger Ebert Bill Gates Ricky Gervais Ira Glass Bruce Lee Randy Newman Jack Nicholson Gary Numan Andy Rooney Salman Rushdie John Sayles Bruce Sterling Gore Vidal Kurt Vonnegut Jr.

—Bryan Gardiner

The Year in Useless Products Cheetos Lip Balm In a bold era of never-ending synergy between fast-food products — LAY’S ® KC MASTERPIECE® BBQ Flavored Potato Chips, Pizza Hut Cheese Pizza Popcorn, et al. — it was just a matter of time before salty snacks and personal hygiene would join forces. Cheetos Lip Balm is out in front of that trend with, well, a lip balm that tastes like Cheetos. Delicious, dusty Cheetos. But no orange fingers or powdery mess here! One application is all it takes to bring the taste of junk food to your lips for several hours. Liquor in a Sword Ararat5 is a brandy that comes in a unique sword-shaped bottle. Pour it into your goblet or drink it straight from the hilt. Ararat5, made by a Polish company, contains 40 percent alcohol by volume and is guaranteed to work. And what better commercial pairing than alcohol and deadly weapons? Now all you need is an artificial retractable foreskin. Artificial Retractable Foreskin Circumcised men of the world, lament no more your missing foreskin! It may have been taken from you tragically, but Viafin-Atlas has the answer with SenSlip, a new “device” marketed as “the world’s first ever artificial retractable foreskin for circumcised men.” SenSlip allows the aggrieved among circumcised men to reclaim their stolen pride and present themselves anew in full, unaltered glory. Or at least a mechanical approximation thereof. Aromatherapy in a Bottle Purifique is the name of a new beverage claiming to be “the world’s first all-natural aromatherapy energy drink.” Not just for drinking, Purifique is also an olfactory experience! Purifique’s “botanical infusions” are supposed to deliver “pure plant oxygen” and a compliment of aromatherapy benefits to lift your spirits, regulate your system and focus your mind. Psychic Pills It’s called Magneurol6-S, and it’s based on a proprietary ingredient called “magnetitum,” which Remcure Enterprises says will help disadvantaged mediums, clairvoyants and superheroes “surpass current human capabilities by 3,000 years!,” which must explain why their brand of Superior Mind & Brain Performance Dietary Supplement is aggressively priced at $49.99 per bottle. Still need to be convinced? Remcure’s literature describes studies showing that animals contain high levels of magnetized iron in their brains, which is what our allies in nature apparently use to tune in to the Earth’s magnetic fields to predict earthquakes, follow migration routes, sense danger and so on. If you don’t have time to wait around for a radioactive spider to bite you, Remcure might be the quick fix. Boob Muffs Just what it sounds like — sort of. These are not winter wear for breasts but rather regular old earmuffs shaped like boobs. This one comes from Baron Bob’s Boob Bonanza, where one can also procure the more common boob mugs. It’s the muffs, however, that are Thinsulate approved.

—Bryan Gardiner


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