Maria Bamford: "As someone who hasn't had long-term romantic success, I always feel insecure around people who are confident in their relationships."

"When I met him, I just 'knew.' And we've been best friends ever since."

"Really? That's awesome. So you never really fight about anything?"

"Hmmmm.....Oh! He doesn't like onions!"

Oh, right ... so ... you've never had any 'issues' you had to 'work through' with like, a 'workbook'?"

"If I were you, I'd watch out for red flags."

"But what if I'm, like, a flag factory that only manufactures red flags?"

"Maybe you need to be The One before you can meet 'The One.'"

"Oh. Where'd you get that from -- is that from Socrates? Bob Dylan? Herbal tea bag?"

Maria Bamford performs at Comedy Meltdown with Matt Braunger, Boris Hamilton, Sean Conroy, Ron Lynch and host Ed Salazar.
Sat., Nov. 21, 8 p.m., 2009

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