MAKE US LAUGH, FUNNY BOY!
Greg Fitzsimmons' fans can get their FitzDog fill with his weekly show on Sirius VM, twice-weekly FitzDog Radio podcast, plus numerous appearances on Howard Stern's show. But this week they can get somewhat up-close and personal when the Venice-based comic plays one of his favorite rooms.
LA WEEKLY: That photo your publicist sent – is that a sweater vest?
GREG FITZSIMMONS: Yes. L.A. weather can change dramatically at any moment. It'll swing from 66 degrees all the way up to 69 in a matter of days. The vest protects my core body temperature as the mercury dips. When it spikes back up, however, my arms are free to cool themselves down. The vest is, without exaggeration, a lifesaver out here.
You seem super busy with standup, your podcast and show on Sirius. Are you actually making a living?
You might call it a "living" elsewhere, but by Hollywood standards my family and I exist like animals. My wife has had the same breasts for over 20 years, one of my kids has a minority in his classroom, and I'm embarrassed to even say what health club I have to work out at. It's fucking humiliating.
You have a show on St. Patrick's Day. Even though you're 20 years sober, will people still try to buy you drinks?
Yes. Alcoholics resent my strength and want to bring me down to their level. That's not going to happen. I can be content with a bottle of water, a couple of Vicodin and half a marijuana cookie. Some porn…
Were you a fun drunk?
It didn't get much funner. One night at a party I urinated on a radiator and then punched my friend in the face. I'm thinking about getting back in the drinking business just to cheer the country up during an election year.
Any St. Patrick's Day memories?
Same itinerary each year: Up at the crack of dawn, drinking, fighting and pissing on walls. Then leave the house and let things get really crazy. But I always ended up in front of the hearth – we had a hearth – listening to The Clancy Brothers and spooning my dear old mum.
For people who haven't heard your show on Sirius, what are they missing?
The toxic rage of a middle-aged dad trapped inside of a happy marriage.
You once challenged Dave Navarro to a fight – have you seen him since that?
He has since come on my podcast several times. When I have a fight with a man I get over it and then we become friends. When I have a fight with a woman I get over it but she gets a restraining order. Just to be safe.
Tell us something about yourself that would surprise your fans
First off they are not MY fans. They're just people who got lost while trying to find a real celebrity. Secondly, everything surprising about me I have already confessed. Except this: I have almost no body hair. And what I do have is slightly orange.
At the Improv, 8162 Melrose Ave., W. Hlwyd.; Sat., March 17, 8 & 10 p.m.; $20. (323) 651-2583.
Sat., March 17, 8 & 10 p.m., 2012
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