Heaux, Heaux, Heaux!

FRIDAY, December 23

That night when they took off from Nazareth, it was crisp and cool, but Mary said, “Joseph, take a sweater. For our-immaculate- birth-son’s sake! You know how chilly you get.” But did he listen? Men! That was good advice that you also should follow. Every night through Christmas Eve, Olvera Street is the site of a traditional Las Posadas candlelight procession. Everybody gathers at 6 p.m. and sings hymns and songs while re-creating the search for shelter (maybe you’ve heard this story before), except in this case, you can reward yourself with a big, frothy margarita at the end! El Pueblo Historical Monument, between Main & Alameda sts., downtown; 6 p.m.; thru Dec. 24. (213) 625-7074 or 485-8372.

While you’re downtown, you can check out Not a Cornfield — which is a corn field, dammit. The 32-acre site even has blue lights scattered around it to look like stars. Find Orion, Andromeda and other constellations. How this relates to the Baby Jesus is for you to decide. 1201 N. Spring St., downtown; 4-10 p.m.; thru Dec. 26. (323) 226-1158.

SATURDAY, December 24
You know this town has gone makeover-mad when somebody decides it’s time for a “new look” for the local institution known as the Annual L.A. Holiday Celebration. They’ve hired TV producer Jeff Margolis to sass things up by bringing in hosts Neil Sedaka, Debbie Allen, comic “Not That” Mark Walberg, Gloria Loring, Ronn “the Man Who Can Make Anything Talk” Lucas and pianist Jim Brickman. But the lineup is still as wonderfully eclectic as ever, with top-notch performances by Mariachi Divas, Soldiers on Soul Patrol, Vox Femina, Universal Dance Designs Kennedy Tap Company and Yuval Ron Ensemble. When will VH1 do a Behind the Music on this giant ego-fest? Dorothy Chandler Pavilion, Music Center, 135 N. Grand Ave., downtown; Sat., Dec. 24, 3-9 p.m.; free, and parking is free in the Music Center garage. (213) 972-3099.

SUNDAY, December 25
Please have yourself a merry little Christmas. Wake up early. Make cocoa. Listen to Nat King Cole, Sinatra and Louis Armstrong. Sing along with gusto. Light a fire. Believe in Santa. Pretend you love every gift you’re given. Drink a dark beer at 9 a.m. Put on your new jammie pants. Give your cat real salmon. Take a walk in your neighborhood and say “Merry Christmas” to strangers. Enjoy their reaction. Maybe give generously to someone less fortunate. Be happy.

You’ve heard this here before, but if you absolutely must go out, Disney on Ice presents Disney/Pixar’s Finding Nemo today (and all week). Guess even fish gotta work on Christmas. Staples Center, 1201 N. Figueroa St., downtown; Fri., Dec. 23, 11:30 a.m., 3:30 & 7:30 p.m.; Sat.-Sun., Dec. 24-25, 4:30 p.m.; $15-$25. Also at Arrowhead Pond of Anaheim, Dec. 27-Jan. 1; L.A. Sports Arena, Jan. 4-8; Long Beach Arena, Jan. 11-16. (213) 480-3232.

MONDAY, December 26
Sing with me: “It’s beginning to look a lot like post-Christmas letdown/Soon the tears will flow.” The mistletoe is starting to shrivel. Pine needles rain down when the dog brushes past the tree. And you didn’t get the Talking Napoleon Dynamite Figure you asked every mall Santa for. You need the Spirit of Christmas now more than ever. A London hit, the show should warm your chestnuts as community choirs perform holiday nuggets accompanied by chorus girls and the like. Kodak Theater, Hollywood & Highland Center, Hollywood; Fri., Dec. 23, 10:30 a.m., 2:30 & 7 p.m.; Sat., Dec. 24, 10:30 a.m. & 2:30 p.m.; Mon., Dec. 26, 2 p.m.; Tues., Dec. 27, 2 & 7 p.m.; thru Dec. 27; $25-$50. (323) 480-3232.

TUESDAY, December 27
Lesley Wolff is the comic/promoter known for her All-Ivy Comedy Show, featuring comics who all scored higher on the SAT than you did and went to those fancy schools back East. For her last show of 2005, titled One-Night Standable Comedy Special Holiday Show, she’s pulled together comics who may not be s-m-r-t, but they are yummy to look at — and funny as heck, too. Jill Benjamin, Rich Ingram, Matt Manser, Jill Kushner, Ari Shaffir, Andrew Solmssen, Wayne Federman and many more await your post-show flirtations. Improv Hollywood, 8162 Melrose Ave.; Tues., Dec. 27, 7:30 p.m.; $10. (323) 651-2583.

WEDNESDAY, December 28
Screwballs, Pratfalls & Catcalls: American Comedy Classics of the 1930s and 1940s is American Cinematheque’s sure cure for the post-holiday letdown. Today it’s Road to Zanzibar, with Bob Hope, Bing Crosby and Dorothy Lamour in the African jungle, and The Princess and the Pirate, which the Cinematheque promises will have “the funniest closing gag in any of [Bob Hope’s] pictures.” Egyptian Theater, 6712 Hollywood Blvd.; Wed., Dec. 28, 7:30 p.m.; series runs thru Jan. 1; $9. (323) 466-FILM.

THURSDAY, December 29
Your grandparents would have loved the Dresden Dolls. So saucy! Such flair! But such language! The Brechtian punk-cabaret duo of Amanda Palmer and Brian Viglione have been called both “ahead of their time” and “enchantingly old-timey” by journalists who can’t describe anything without using the word time (me). With Janet Klein and Her Parlour Boys. Henry Fonda Theater, 6126 Hollywood Blvd., Hollywood; Thurs., Dec. 29, 9 p.m.; $22.50. (323) 464-0808.


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