DON'T EVER CHANGE MR. COLLINS

DON'T EVER CHANGE MR. COLLINS

A critic once described Bobby Collins as "the perfect fusion between Dean Martin and Jerry Lewis." Someone get this man his own sitcom — he's more exasperated than Raymond, more incisive than Archie and more like your dad than Ward.

Who do people say you look like?

I'm a cross between James Bond and the Penguin from Batman, quack quack.

Would you ever do a reality show? What would we learn about your life?

Yes. I would do a reality show just to prove to people that there are souls with substance and a spiritual awareness still alive and living in Gotham.

Does your act have a "Margaritaville" that your fans demand you do onstage?

"Bobby, how's your dog?"

How has the economic crisis affected you?

My wife and I are wearing helmets and reading stories to Ethiopian children about eating all the food on there plates because there are are people in America starving to death.

What's the worst thing anyone's said to you?

"If you don't tell me, I'll find out where your parents are buried, dig up their graves and fuck their skulls" ... I told him what he wanted to know.

What was the best kiss of your life?

When I met my wife and she kissed me and I was no longer a frog.

What type of old man do you think you'll be?

The type of old man who won't be able to distinguish between a vagina and a Marti Garmask .....

Will you retire to Florida?

Not Florida, but another place where old people go into the pool and it becomes carbonated.

Anything else you'd like to say to L.A. Weekly readers?

I love L.A. I love the people (hola, Isabelle!). I love the weather; I now watch Doppler HD 7000 — and a guy named Dallas Raines). I love the earthquakes it beats the subway). I like the fake breasts (you could chip a tooth). I love the cop chases (when do they kill them — they don't, they just follow them!) I love L.A.

Fri., Jan. 8, 8 p.m.; Sat., Jan. 9, 7 & 9:15 p.m., 2010