Email Author Dave Shulman

2002 Stories by Dave Shulman

• With Plenty of Water

  published December 19, 2002

  Whether or not it was caused by his peculiar mix of sedentary lifestyle, semichronic dehydration and high oxalate levels, my father was prone... More >>

• Crimson Came Schechner

  published December 5, 2002

  Let‘s say I’ve got a number. That number‘s 50,000. That’s 10 percent Of 500,000. Well, ... More >>

• Between Ice Ages

  published November 21, 2002

  Compared to the lifeless sands of Southern California, the soil in central Illinois is practically food. Not that I know anyone who‘s eate... More >>

• In the Blue August Moon

  published October 24, 2002

  Sam had a Halloween party, only he didn‘t mention the part about Halloween; just that he was “having some people over Friday.” And since it ... More >>

• The Legend of Barbecue Joe

  published October 10, 2002

  Gather ’round and I‘ll tell you of Barbecue Joe, a friend to the hungry, a man without foe. When Barbecue Joe was a young man with a big va... More >>

• The Very Loud Nothing

  published September 19, 2002

  In the Physics building, a man with a gun led us into the chamber -- a dead room, acoustically anechoic from 8 hertz to 40 kilohertz. He opened... More >>

• Angel Wants Pretty

  published August 29, 2002

  Illustration by Calef Brown ANNE AND I HEADED DOWNSTAIRS AND INTO THE BASEMENT corridor of the housing office. A gridwork of pastel index... More >>

• Orgasm for Beginners

  published August 15, 2002

  As a licensed associate of God, with a Master of Divinity degree from Seton Hall and a Certificate in Screenwriting from UCLA Extension, Father... More >>

• Life of Busboy

  published August 1, 2002

  Illustration by Calef Brown Q: What inspires you to work? A: I have no marketable skills. WHILE ROBERT... More >>

• Subterranean Speed-Freak Blues

  published July 18, 2002

  After a long hard Saturday morning watching cartoons, I’ve often rewarded myself with an equally long nap, or a consecutive series of shor... More >>

• Lord of the Chickens

  published July 4, 2002

  One of the chickens who died recently was Valerie, a companion of one of my friends. Valerie’d been foraging just outside her small coop at th... More >>

• Helmets in the Sun

  published June 20, 2002

  Illustration by Calef Brown WHEN SUMMER COMES WE GO TOUPEE HUNTING, Hector Schechner and I. Not my first choice of midday entertainment -- I'm... More >>

• Fertilizer

  published June 6, 2002

  Come closer (sorry for the smell), and I’ll tell you about the rather strange journey I went on last week. It might interest you, becaus... More >>

• Over and Out

  published May 23, 2002

  My father worked as a naval radar technician during World War II so that I could be a writer during World War III (or, depending on where you... More >>

• Voodoo Doll

  published April 25, 2002

  Having survived eight years and four months since eviction from the womb, I was invincible, I decided, because no matter how many scrapes,... More >>

• Advice From the Senator

  published April 11, 2002

  “Always eat the cherry before the shake,” said the senator at the counter at a diner late at night. I wasn’t at the counter and the sena... More >>

• The Impending Buffarona

  published March 28, 2002

  One midnight bright with hope and youth but dreary with booze and Reagan, it came to pass that four of us required Tommyburgers -- those goopy,... More >>

• Cranky, the Wallflowers This Time of Year

  published March 14, 2002

  For years I’d heard that, in the privacy of their own mansions, our famous hosts -- famous for creating and becoming popular mainstrea... More >>

• Things That Mean Things

  published February 28, 2002

  We are what we pretend to be, because we pretend to be what we really are. The act . . . is not an act. --Man Being... More >>

• My Life as a $5 Prostitute

  published February 14, 2002

  The high numbers giveth, the low numbers taketh away. Both came and went as I worked as a writers’ assistant on a television show called Th... More >>

• House of Limbs

  published January 31, 2002

  Television: Young man in big house, showing us around. Hello. I‘m a young man. This is my big house. Each room has been brightl... More >>

• The Inferior Adventure of Tuxboy

  published January 17, 2002

  Exorcising chronic seasonal demons with inopportune formalwear since 1962. --Tuxboy Mission Statement It was the last of... More >>

• 2001 In Review

  published January 3, 2002

  Illustration by Mike Lee 001. Jack Lemmon 002. Ketchup 003. Caviar 004. Kahokia Mounds 005.... More >>