Email Author Dave Shulman

2001 Stories by Dave Shulman

• Save Your Ass

  published December 20, 2001

  On the way to school, I found an interesting piece of paper on the sidewalk. Apparently torn from a magazine, the page had one big picture on... More >>

• Report From the Holiday Front

  published December 6, 2001

  Invitations to two Thanksgiving dinners in Orange County, California. One scheduled for the beige living room of a beige Huntington Beach tract... More >>

• Stink Bomb

  published November 22, 2001

  Hector Schechner had studied America Online client software since Version 1. He‘d saved every pamphlet, guide, post card, diskette and C... More >>

• Colleen Calleen

  published November 8, 2001

  Perhaps owing to her gender, Daphne Potter could not drone on for hours in a cadaverous baritone monotone. But although she failed to compete... More >>

• Baby Blue 4:12

  published October 25, 2001

  ONCE UPON A TIME THERE WAS A PEBBLE. AND A BOY. THE BOY found the pebble among many similar pebbles. This pebble, he decided, was the best... More >>

• Planet of the Apes: A Space Odyssey

  published September 27, 2001

  When I was very young -- 5 or 6 -- my father drove me up from Champaign through 150 minutes of cornfields and rain all the way to downtown... More >>

• Brazil 911

  published September 20, 2001

  Alarm clock radio two flights confirmed missing snooze button. Two flights . . . of stairs . . . back to the dream, the morning between-alarm... More >>

• What I Pinched on My Summer Vacation

  published August 30, 2001

  I. ON THE FIRST DAY OF MY VACATION On Sunday, the first day of my summer vacation, I arose at dawn, drank a rousing cup of coffee,... More >>

• Margarine World

  published June 21, 2001

  Margarine had had the world’s second largest collection of ceramic novelties -- mostly grapefruit -- bestowed upon her in the dying breaths o... More >>

• Star Wars Wars

  published June 14, 2001

  Illustration by Mike LeeIN 1983, RONALD REAGAN (SANTA FE TRAIL, Murder in the Air) did prime-time panel for the Strategic Defense... More >>

• BREAKING NEWS EDITION:
  Store Opens in Mall

  published June 7, 2001

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• Commence

  published May 24, 2001

  As I stand here at the chipboard podium of the future, looking out at your drunken, pierced faces shadowed by the tassels and one-size-fits-all... More >>

• Breakfast With Jellyman

  published May 17, 2001

  Illustration by Mike Lee My friend Sharon gave me a big jar of Knott’s Berry Farm Concord Grape Jelly. A political discussion ensued: Give... More >>

• The Staircase

  published May 3, 2001

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• Captain Bringdown Captures the Flag

  published April 26, 2001

  I. Origins One hot Friday afternoon in the year 2000, residents of lower-west Burbank were treated to an almost certainly uninvited... More >>

• Happy Fucking Birthday, Asshole

  published April 19, 2001

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• The Devil in Lime Barty

  published April 5, 2001

  So many popular and commercially successful religious organizations had recommended avoiding the transient pleasures of life as a means of... More >>

• Torturing Coyotes

  published March 29, 2001

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• Astrology 120V

  published March 22, 2001

  Illustration by Mike Lee GENERAL FORECAST: Recent deregulations in the infrastructure have produced severely inconjunct abscissions of... More >>

• The Green Menace

  published March 15, 2001

  Illustration by Mike Lee BY SOME FLUKE OF BRAIN CHEMISTRY, when my brother, Daniel, smoked marijuana, he didn't get high. Still, he smoked it... More >>

• Mow

  published March 1, 2001

  Illustration by Mike Lee Seymour Parity couldn’t sleep. His body lay sweating, draining, waiting to be disconnected, but his mind refused t... More >>

• How To Write a Sitcom

  published March 1, 2001

  My friend Bean, now in his 30s, has never downed, snorted, smoked, shoved or shot up any drugs of any kind. Not even... More >>

• Compassionate Investment Tips

  published February 22, 2001

  Soon the mess made of our cherished, still by and large God-fearing nation by the childishly utopian policies of the pro-Socialist,... More >>

• The Lime Barty Story

  published February 15, 2001

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• A Guy Walks Into a Bar

  published February 8, 2001

  Hector Schechner is no longer a gas. Myriad epochs passed before he even made it to trilobite. But then he went from fish to amphibian to... More >>