Email Author Dave Shulman

2000 Stories by Dave Shulman

• Chicks Dig Phones

  published December 28, 2000

  You may recall, perhaps against your own wishes, that when cellular phones first appeared they were referred to as “car phones,” owing to the... More >>

• How To Write a Sitcom

  published December 21, 2000

  Illustration by Mike Lee My friend Bean, now in his 30s, has never downed, snorted, smoked, shoved or shot up any drugs of any kind. Not even... More >>

• Leap Year

  published December 14, 2000

  On the way to school it rained, and Lime Barty‘s bell-bottom pants leg stuck fast in his bicycle chain, suspending Lime in a brief, frenzie... More >>

• Actionauseam

  published December 7, 2000

  ”What the fuck do you think you’re doing?“ and ”Where do you get off?“ and that sort of thing. Bill Smith (real name) stood half-naked o... More >>

• The Tommy Bass Effect

  published November 30, 2000

  ”All I really want,“ Gilbert said that night, ”is to have as little effect as I can on anyone else’s life.“ And then he leaned ... More >>

• Escape From New Bushland

  published November 23, 2000

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• Expatriate 2000

  published November 16, 2000

  Destination followed by price and airline: Stockholm - $1,553.00 (TWA) Copenhagen - $1,999.00... More >>

• Holiday Programming

  published November 16, 2000

  I. Orange and Black • Enter parking queue. • Idle 20 minutes. • Park between matching Ford Expeditions. ... More >>

• Plastic Americana

  published November 9, 2000

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• Go Date Yourself

  published November 2, 2000

  Oh God. Oh baby. --popular 20th-century pre-orgasmic incantation In my early 20s I was an idiot, but I looked good. So I... More >>

• Happy Fucking Birthday, Asshole

  published October 19, 2000

  The tradition of birthday gifts dates back to the Big Bang, when the universe was created as a gift to and from itself, partly out of kindness,... More >>

• Dressed for Excess

  published October 12, 2000

  The stunning models are wearing the latest in forward fashion while displaying and demonstrating the most... More >>

• Communion

  published October 5, 2000

  When you go, you‘ll leave something behind. My mother left behind half a loaf of banana bread, and it just sat there at eye level, top shelf o... More >>

• One Fine Day at the Stimulant Parlor

  published September 28, 2000

  Photographs by Anne Fishbein Parlor courtesy of Stir Crazy More >>

• Softly Through Stone

  published September 7, 2000

  A week into summer school, I moved into a huge converted garage in the hills above UCLA. Best place I‘d ever lived; best $350 a month I’ll ev... More >>

• Earl’s Special Red Snapper

  published August 31, 2000

  Illustration by Mike Lee Earl wore overalls — as roughly 40 percent of Earls do — but kept a corncob pipe in his breast pocket, which elevat... More >>

• Star-Spangled John

  published August 24, 2000

  Come on in. My name’s Chet. I‘m from Raleigh. I’m a delegate. I‘ve saved up all year for this. You’re my first escort. May I take your ... More >>

• Sleepwork

  published August 17, 2000

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• Now, I Tell You What

  published August 10, 2000

  I. Heaven Now, if it were me, I‘d go with the blue. But here’s what I can do. I can go talk to my manager, explain the situatio... More >>

• Torturing Coyotes

  published August 3, 2000

  ”Camping“ was all she‘d called it at first. Then, after I’d agreed (to rent a van for the weekend, fill it with her, me, Molly, three dogs... More >>

• Breakfast With Jellyman

  published July 27, 2000

  My friend Sharon gave me a big jar of Knott‘s Berry Farm Concord Grape Jelly. A political discussion ensued: Given the history of the Knot... More >>

• Elegy for Dick Jones

  published July 20, 2000

  Phil Brown sang a short, simple song. Technically, the song was two bars long, but the second bar was just a clone of the first bar, modulated... More >>

• Early Times With Julie Andrews in Fishland

  published July 13, 2000

  The desert valley was filled with fish. Chrome fish, bronze fish, plastic fish, gold fish. All frozen in space and cemented to trunk lids and... More >>

• Air W. Time

  published July 6, 2000

  In a country of nearly 300 million people, the majority of whom are unwealthy and female, there is perhaps no greater freedom than the freedom... More >>

• bLAnd LAnd

  published June 29, 2000

  MEAT AND GREET Was that Highland Park’s hottest holographer, VANCE DeGREY, we spotted trading carnivorous confessions with skydivin... More >>