White Guy Won’t Shut Up About “Inspiring" Trip to Watts
Seeing Los Angeles and its multicultural fabric through fresh eyes, area Caucasian resident Bryce Halderman can't stop talking about his "inspiring trip to Watts."
"Guys, no, seriously. Drop everything and take the 110 straight down to the beauty that is Watts," Halderman insisted over a Tuesday brunch. "It'll radically expand your ethnocentric worldview."
"It's like right there, just a few streets south of that BBQ place that Snoop likes," Halderman blathered. "I can't believe I've spent nine years in this city and never experienced this cultural Mecca."
Unprompted, Halderman launched into his "must-sees."
"There's a railway depot there that oozes historical significance. Did you know it was a major stop on the Pacific Electric Railway? Just think of the pioneering immigrants that graced that hallowed structure," Halderman shouted for his own benefit. "It's symbolic blue-collar Americana set up against modern urban diaspora [sic]. Are we truly citizens of this nation if we don't experience the railway depot of our forefathers?"
Unable to pick up on his acquaintances' lack of interest, Halderman gave a glowing review of the food at Hawkins House of Burgers. "Yes, I enjoy Plan Check. And last year I claimed that Apple Pan was L.A.'s only authentic burger. What a philistine. Of course Hawkins uses premium ground chuck and the fries are a courageous example of culinary simplicity. But it's the employees that set Hawkins apart. They toil with purpose, that salt-of-the-earth dedication characteristic of a bygone era." He concluded, "And of course I finished with a hearty slice of the peach cobbler."
But the Watts Towers really turned Halderman, who beat-boxes under the handle Allah Ginsburg, into an utter annoyance. "[Towers architect Simon] Rodia was the father of found art," he erroneously pontificated. "Dude scoured the city for pieces that were meant to be part of a larger whole. Kind of like L.A. itself."
Getting lost in his own metaphor, he added, "I mean, aren't we all found pieces in the Watts Tower that is Los Angeles?"
When asked about Halderman's newfound love of Watts, his roommate Adam offered hope. "Sure, it's incredibly annoying. But at least he stopped talking about that 'transcendent Nazi compound hidden in the Palisades.'"
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